Trapped. Held. Stuck.
No possible way out no matter how I struggle.
I'm so tired of beating my wings against the immovable.
So exhausted, heart and soul.
And in other areas of my heart...
I was thinking tonight about a lot of things. I wonder if I'm doing enough or am I doing too much for Ashley? I talked to one of the moms at the hospital this week about the things she has her daughter doing. She's a right sided hemi just like Ashley and she's knitting and playing piano.
Knitting! She has made a couple of scarves and she is taking piano lessons from a teacher who has written one handed music for her to play.
I'm not doing enough. Not in those areas. I feel so inadequate. I feel like a failure. I'm failing her.
And then....am I doing too much for her in other areas? Helping her dress? Feeding her? I have had to do more in those areas since we began this difficult therapy but am I doing too much? Giving her too much help? Not making her work hard enough? Where do I draw the line?
There has been a fine line between allowing her to attempt things on her own and my desire to help her and make all things right for her.
I can never make all things right for her, no matter how hard I try, or cry or pray. I simply can't.
How much do I push and how much do I step back and just let her struggle? Let her fight her way out of things?
I've often wished these little souls came with an instruction manual with a check list of things that I could cross off as I did them so I would know I was doing it right. And even when I think I've done it right...it's never turned out the way I hoped.
My heart just hurts tonight.