Saturday, August 22, 2009

Like a fly....

Trapped. Held. Stuck.

No possible way out no matter how I struggle.

I'm so tired of beating my wings against the immovable.

So exhausted, heart and soul.

Trapped.


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And in other areas of my heart...
I was thinking tonight about a lot of things. I wonder if I'm doing enough or am I doing too much for Ashley? I talked to one of the moms at the hospital this week about the things she has her daughter doing. She's a right sided hemi just like Ashley and she's knitting and playing piano.

Knitting! She has made a couple of scarves and she is taking piano lessons from a teacher who has written one handed music for her to play.

I'm not doing enough. Not in those areas. I feel so inadequate. I feel like a failure. I'm failing her.

And then....am I doing too much for her in other areas? Helping her dress? Feeding her? I have had to do more in those areas since we began this difficult therapy but am I doing too much? Giving her too much help? Not making her work hard enough? Where do I draw the line?

There has been a fine line between allowing her to attempt things on her own and my desire to help her and make all things right for her.

I can never make all things right for her, no matter how hard I try, or cry or pray. I simply can't.

I can't.

How much do I push and how much do I step back and just let her struggle? Let her fight her way out of things?

I've often wished these little souls came with an instruction manual with a check list of things that I could cross off as I did them so I would know I was doing it right. And even when I think I've done it right...it's never turned out the way I hoped.

My heart just hurts tonight.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man...you'll always meet someone that will make you feel that way. I think you're doing a marvelous job, and she's a great girl. Don't let it get to you. Some people are simply always doing something more...it's enough to drive you crazy.

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead....tell me the truth :)