Saturday, January 02, 2016

Hello 2016

This isn't a post about resolutions---I don't do those anymore because they rarely work for me. Ok, 'rarely' is a bit optimistic. It's more like never. I read somewhere that you should put systems into place, rather than make resolutions. Putting a system into place to achieve your goals sounds like a better path to success.

This is a random post about random thoughts I've had lately. Feel free to skip it. Heaven knows I haven't kept up reading the blogs of my friends, my enemies or anyone in between. (I don't believe I have any enemies, but then again I could simply be missing those social cues that would allow me to know someone is my enemy. Shrug

I inadvertently consumed copious amounts of caffeine today and thought I was going to die. This feeling of imminent death is not new to me, I've suffered from panic attacks since forever, although they have been mercifully infrequent these past few years. For the record, I didn't know I was taking in caffeine, or I wouldn't have done so. I don't react well to the stuff. I'm feeling better now---but still a tad jittery. I don't know how people can drink coffee all the time and not go insane.

I'm working on my new book. Again. I started it in November and after two chapters, I let it slide. I wrote my first book in about a month and a half, non-stop writing. This one, not so much. I should be more disciplined about my writing but then the creative side of me is less organized and more haphazard-messy-where-did-the-time-go.

I love my puppy more than I thought possible to love a puppy. While watching the new Star Wars movie last night, I kept thinking about her. My youngest says that Bella and I have a co-dependent relationship. I'm ok with that.

The reason I'm writing here on my blog is because I can't get into my writing account and am waiting on a response from the support people. See? I told you this was a random bit of blogging. I'm the one with a gazillion tabs open in my head, thank you ADD.

How can someone that was fiercely faithful suddenly become a non-believer? Perhaps 'suddenly' is a bit wrong. I don't believe it's a sudden thing, do you? One day you're a person of faith, so much so that you've gone on a mission, served faithfully at church, felt the burning of truth and the sweet peace that the Spirit speaks to your heart and the next day you mock your former faith and join the church of the spaghetti monster in the sky. You take up habits you eschewed your entire life. Does this happen little by little? Small grains of sand escaping from your previously faith-filled snowglobe until there is nothing left? I understand being tested---boy do I understand being tested and some of my greatest sorrow is believing that I have not endured my testing well. I haven't lost my faith over the trials that have been placed before me--but I have staggered under their combined weight. I have stumbled and fallen and I am so far from perfect that I can barely see adequate on my horizon.

One thing I have learned, besides the fact that God will force no man to heaven, is that the whole free agency, free will thing is very real. Also--I'm honestly not judging those who have left their faith--heaven knows I've been judged enough by others to know the pain of it all. I'm simply curious.

There has been another thing that has weighed heavily on me---and it's seeing a family disintegrate over situations that should have brought them together for a common goal. Backbiting, accusations, clandestine moves, gossip combined with some of the most uncharitable actions I've ever seen have driven a bitter wedge so deep into a family I know that I do not see any reconciliation happening in this life and perhaps not even the next. Communication between all of them would perhaps have stopped this horror from continuing. Because I have had more than enough on my plate, I have made it a point not to become involved, but that doesn't mean I haven't been watching. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. All of you.

And now for something much more sweet! We spent the day in Leavenworth last week where I purchased a jar of Peach Honey Creme. I'm sipping hot peach tea with some of this nectar in it as I write. It's delicious. If everyone in the world had a sweet puppy like Bella on their lap and a mug of hot sweet Peach Tea, we could avoid wars and Jerry Springer-esque family antics.

One more thing before I go. Is there someone out there that could create an app that would totally block any mention of the Kardashians in my social media feeds? I'd pay good money for that app. I'm sure there are a lot of people that would as well.

Monday, October 26, 2015

I thought I'd something more to say...

Hello Blog. Long time no see. No visit. No write. It's not you, it's me. It's always me. Always and forever me. So much of my life is...

I was wrong. I don't have anything to say at the moment.

Saturday, February 07, 2015

Well hello there 2015...

I'm waiting for some crinkly fries to come out of the oven so I can dip them into tartar sauce and fill the void within.

Only it never does, does it? Fill that void. Food is my drug of choice, but then anyone that looks at me can see that. What they don't realize most of the time is that it's not the whole story. However no one actually wants to know the whole story, do they? We're all bound to ourselves, our lives, our problems, issues, pains. The world revolves around us. Us. Me. You. Not them.

Not sure where I'm going with this.... The other night I couldn't sleep and I felt this enormous urge to write. Write and write and write and then write some more. To wring every last word from myself, pour it onto a page and set it afloat. At the time I wasn't quite certain just what it was that aching to be set free from my head. I still don't.

Write about my children? My work with the homeless? My depression and anxiety? My fading vision and faulty memory? The week it took me to recover from a medical procedure and intubation? The book I need to revise and the sequel I should finish? Or the search for a new home, as ours is being sold out from under us? Or the news we got that my husband's spine is unstable and he needs extensive surgery to fix it, or the constant pain he suffers. Or my aging father that falls again and again, his memory lapses and proclivity for misplacing things and the house falling down around him.
Do I write about the beautiful clouds that brighten my skies in artful displays, my cats that calm and soothe or the knives in my heart at the thoughtlessness of those I hold most dear and have the greatest ability to harm.

Do I write about my senate testimony on behalf of homeless students and my constant feelings of inadequacy?

Or should I write about how much good there is in a world where pilots are set ablaze in cages, young children are used as suicide bombers or sold into sexual slavery. I search for the good in a world where filtering out the horrific becomes each day more difficult.

Do I write about my escape into the world of Sea Glass, creating sparkling pieces of jewelry that no one will appreciate and love as much as I do. Where selling a pair of earrings or a necklace feels like selling a piece of myself. How many pieces are left in me?

I don't know.

What I do know is this; I pick up my scriptures each night and the balm to my soul is real. I read of the struggle of an ancient people that mirrors my own fight against evil today. I read of mothers who mourn the loss of their beloved children, both physically and spiritually, and my heart weeps.

I read of evil in government and the struggles of the common man. I feel tears on the pages of a people long dead that fought against evil and tried to do good.

And as alone as I feel at times---I know that I am not. I am one in a long chain of my Heavenly Father's children who struggle daily with sorrow, who fight against evil, who fall and get back up again. I am not alone.

He knows my name. He walks with me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Life

It's funny how things go sometimes. Well, actually most of the time. You make plans. You think things ought to go a certain way, in a particular direction and then....they don't.

What's that saying? Man proposes, God disposes. Life is what happens when ...something something. Life does take strange turns and twists.

I was having that conversation today with a friend as we waited for her radiation appointment. We spoke of life, of parental expectations, of cruelty, change, life altering events, disappointments..... life. Life. Just...life. We spoke of parents that didn't accept or embrace the choices their children have made. How it causes pain, emotional, physical and all around creates plain ole stinky feelings. That it takes time to get over those things. To be all right with the person YOU are, the choices you've made, and the life you live.

She spoke of things she'd like to do, but was so very tired from chemo and radiation. I tried mostly to just listen, although I did my fair share of sharing. I hope I listened more than I shared. Sometimes I know I'm not great at the art of listening instead of waiting for my chance to share. I hope I'm getting better at that.

She doesn't have children, so I did share how it felt to me at various times in raising my babies. How it felt to have parental expectations.

The desire to keep them from the railroad tracks of life. To warn them of the oncoming trains that we, as parents, can plainly see coming. We beg them to get off the tracks. Can't you see the train? Hear that whistle? Don't you feel the ground shaking? Oh...please run, get away from there. It's dangerous and..... The train comes and you are forced to watch. It's not your place to pick them up and carry them from the tracks as you did when they were little. They are adults now, so you watch. You grieve their sorrows, feel their pain.

And then, after a bit you make peace with the fact that you did the best you could. That their choices are their choices, not yours. Their lives, not yours. You wait beside the tracks, but you don't watch any longer. You still love, oh how you love, but you have freed yourself from their pain because it is not your pain. It's their pain. You don't own it. They do.

Ah life. What a cruel teacher you are...

The unimaginable joy I had with my babies is no longer. It's grown, changed, evolved and morphed into something else entirely. I can no longer fix an owie with a kiss and a hug and a snuggle. My magic powers have been taken from me by time.

But one thing has not changed...and that is my heart. I love them, all four of them, with everything that I am. I always will. And though I no longer stand watch on the train tracks, I hope they each know that I will stand with them after the train has passed.