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My Son Has Outdone Himself Once Again

My son is insane. I say this with affection and love, but with the conviction borne of having known him these fifteen years and 7 months.

He almost didn't make it to fifteen years and 8 months.

Today he carved his pumpkin. It is a small pumpkin, a tiny one in fact. He did it quickly, and at one point was having difficulty getting the knife into the gourd, so he stuck it between his legs and took the knife
down there to cut it!

I would like to have grandchildren by you at some point in time. You + sharp knives close to your bits and pieces reduces that prospect considerably! Are you insane??"

He mocked me for being 'over protective' as usual. This from the son who has placed his fingers into a blender, jumped from a second story onto a trampoline and been drug by a dirtbike about 20 feet into traffic. So yes, this was me being
'over protective'.

After the carving, he disappeared for a minute and then went out the sliding glass door to our back patio. We weren't paying a whole lot of attention to him, but apparently his movements need to be monitored at all times. The next thing I hear is yelling from my Ally "He's lit his pumpkin on FIRE!!!"

He went to the garage and got gasoline from the gas can, filled his pumpkin, carried it outside and
lit it on fire.

Flames shot out the mouth, eyes and nose holes. In an attempt to put out the flames, he removed the top lid and
blew into it.
This of course caused huge flames to blow out the eyes and nose and mouth of the carved pumpkin, right at his face. This did not deter him at all and didn't do much to put out the flames, so
he did it again.

This time he lost all the hair on his hands. Still burning. I'm yelling at him to stop blowing on the pumpkin, so he of course does the next best thing.
He kicks it down the steps.
This of course spilled what was left of the gasoline onto the the steps and created a lovely dance of fire across the patio. He yelled for water to put out the fire. Um, no. Pouring a lot of water on top of burning gas would have knocked it onto the lawn and perhaps set it ablaze as well.

It finally burned itself out and now he's very proud of what he calls his Goth Pumpkin.

As I said. He is insane.


  1. oh boy. You must be so proud, and very, VERY afraid.

    GREAT story!

  2. Anonymous10:36 PM

    These things will happen until he gets laid.
    I know you don't like to hear these things.
    Would you like to send him on a vacation to Uncle Vicus to help him through these difficult times?

  3. 'Lit it on fire'. A little tortological, surely. In an emergency situtaion, the less words the better.

    Is his mental condition hereditory, do you think?

  4. Excuse my spelling. I'm taking a lot of drugs at the moment, and don't have complete control of my fingers.

  5. vicus, did you just offer to have sex with my son? I'm a bit perplexed. tom assured me you were hetero. Now I must go back and ponder the special friendship you two share.

    Dave, yes it is hereditary. He got it from his father.

  6. OMG!!!!
    buy this kid a Harley immediately!!! this kid ROCKS!!!
    I am
    1. putting a link to this in my halloween post and
    2. making him 'Armed Crossing Guard' of the Flatbutt Nation! his indian name is BURNING BUFFALO CHAOS!!!!!!

  7. Anonymous8:53 AM

    Yes, I was aware of the ambiguity in my post. (And the ambiguity in referring to "my post"). But hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it. And I would hate to offend you by telling you that your son does not appeal to me in a sexual way.
    I was actually just offering to be a guide on his difficult journey. His mother is obviously a repressive influence.

  8. A professor of mine at BYU said once:
    "There is really only one true statement in science; boys will be boys."

    And so it is.

  9. vicus, my daughter just read your coment and said that she thinks you're quite witty.

    However, she's only 17 and should be able to grow out of that notion quite soon.

    FN, if he's yours, I'll send him to you. I could use the break.

    Lianne, your prof was correct, but he should have added something to the effect that they are insane as well.

  10. Anonymous12:50 PM

    Yes, send her to me as well. 8 minutes should be enough to disabuse her of that idea.

  11. OH MY GOTH!

    First of all have you had his DNA checked..he is yours eh? OK.
    Well then I guess step one is about 5 years of Military College in Antarctica before he becomes a roadie for Rob Zombie...then atleast you can hold your head up high and say I tried.

    Better double up ye ole house insurance...and hide all flammable liquids and other incendiary devices commonly found in North American Kitchens and Bathrooms.

    Good Luck.

  12. can we exchange molotov cocktail recipes? see, you need some Joy dishwashing liquid, some gasoline, an empty longneck and a tampon...

  13. vicus my love, no 17 year old daughter of mine shall fall under your spell. I have that tatooed somewhere. I'll let you guess.

    HE, I'm upping my insurance and getting him some life insurance just in case.

    FN, noooooo! No make-shift bombs shall be made.

  14. Anonymous3:42 AM

    Insane yes, but it makes for a very entertaining read I can tell you! And wonderful memories for you later, once he's survived those dreadful years. Keep the spirits up!


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