Online Friends

I'm sure you've heard by now that blue is the new black, forty is the new thirty and they're lying through their teeth when they say that last thing. Also, imaginary childhood friends (you know you had one) have been replaced with online friends. They're the same in that no one ever really sees them, but you talk to them, you play with them, your other friends and family think you're just this side of a restraining jacket and you're a lot older than you were when you first had friends you never saw.

Sure they're real you might say in that mocking tone you have . Well stop that. Save your mocking for later on when I tell you all about my Internet friends. No, I can't see them, or touch them, although some of them have asked me....um, well, we'll go into that later.

People have become friends with other people across the world, sometimes they've become friends with people they'd never become friends with in RL. That means real life for those of you who still have most of your friends offline. There's an entire new language that your online friends use and we'll also get to that later.

I, woman of the 22nd century that I am, have many imag....er, I mean real friends that I talk to on the Internet. Let me tell you a little bit about them.

They all use their real names, which is refreshing. None of this silly made up name stuff to try and improve their image. Take Neon Feverdream for instance. I'm sure his mother had a very good reason for naming him Fever. Neon lives in California and is an author and aquarium aficionado. He dispenses left wing rantings along with helpful tips on how to keep your cichilids alive in a harsh environment. Neon is my friend. He also wears a pink dress once in a while. Did you know you can exchange pictures with your Internet pals? Why yessiree you can. Just be careful because sometimes people on the Internet will send you photos that can be quite disturbing. I was very disturbed after seeing Neon in the dress but I received some counseling and now I'm good.

I have another amigo who goes by the name of Murray. My suspicion is that this may be a fake name because who would name their child Murray? He makes toilet paper for a living. No, really, he does. Murray also likes to barbecue, bake, makes his own salsa and has been known to sing Kumbaya on occasion. He won't admit that last part, but trust me, it's true. Murray shaves his head and has a great big shiny barbecue grill which he swears is not a compensation kind of thing for him like if he had a red corvette.

Then there is Laurie. No one has actually seen a picture of Laurie so she may be a figment of our imagination. If she is, then she's a busy little figment. She posts online all the time and she's quite humorous. Hmm...I keep calling Laurie a 'she' but since I've never seen a picture of 'her' I could be wrong. 'She' could actually be a 250 pound male who lives at home with his parents and posts in his underwear. Laurie? If you're reading this, please post a picture of yourself on the Internet. I swear it's safe. I just need to make sure you are who you say you are.

Phil is a fellow journalist living somewhere where people have named their town things like Turkeyfoot Valley and Paw Paw. He writes about sports and ducks and sometimes his dreams. Phil is a real person because I once saw a picture of him with his arm around some big name sports figure. You can't fake things like that, right? Right?

Then there is PaulinesMama. I'm assuming she has her own name, but has forgotten it due to the fact that she is a mother. It's a well known fact that you can lose your identity after giving birth and become known as so-and-so's mother. Apparently this has happened to this poor woman. She says she's a probation officer but with that kind of mental instability she may have imagined that as well.

Margie lives somewhere near a river and has seventy five children, give or take twenty. MM is a Canadian guy so when we talk to him we all hum 'Blame Canada' and laugh at his moose pictures. Barry is a Brit living in Canada who has actually made moose sausage. We fear him and his cats. Kajunwytch is a nice woman who lives in the south and has worked undercover for the FBI. Libby is a reformed Liberal and Duckboy is a little to the right of Rush. There are others, like Graz, which is short for something that means (I think) If They Reorganize This Company One More Freaking Time I'm Going Postal and a guy name Fred who has offered to let me live in his barn. I'm hoping the usage of the word 'barn' isn't a euphemism for something else. Rina is a red headed google-goddess who has the ability to locate anything at a moments notice. She's good enough with photoshop to have caused some of the other imaginary people some imaginary disgruntlement. She's never disgruntled me though. Mike Weasel found true love with a Mad Scientist and they are getting married. I'm not sure if they're doing that online or not. Trish is a teacher, billio is another one of those Canadians, eh? and I've had occasion to post with the (in)famous Dave Barry. I know he's real because....well.....just because. I'd say more but the restraining order keeps me from elaborating further.

There is a guy that calls himself a Frontier Editor, and claims he's not a liberal. That outed him as being a fake right there! There's a girl who calls herself Anna and wants me to mail one of my kittens to her in California. I also share time online with a group of women who tell stories about their lives. We belong to (wait for it) The Storycircle Network! A made up name if I ever heard one.

There are too many of my friends, imaginary or otherwise, to mention here but suffice it to say that I have a rousing social life which of course, you can't see.

I wonder. If blue is the new black, forty is the new thirty and they really are all in my head after all?