Skip to main content

Heart Healthy Bark And Twigs

In order to be healthier I've embarked on some bizarre shopping habits. I buy only those items which are guaranteed to taste bland, be difficult to chew using only your teeth (an industrial grinder would be more helpful) and have a list of the nutrients you will be consuming posted on the side of the package that is so long they use a negative font size just to get the entire thing written down.

Last week I bought something touted as being 'Heart Healthy'. I believe they lied, since simply chewing this stuff nearly gave me a cardiac arrest. Yes, I soaked it in fat free milk first, but I might as well have dipped a bowl of pebbles in milk for all the good that did me. Perhaps they need to advertise this cereal differently. Saying that it's Heart Healthy isn't truth in advertising. If they had said that consuming this cereal would be all the cardio workout you'd need for a month, then that would be truth in advertising. Plus, I'm quite certain I chipped a tooth and then swallowed that chip. I suppose that upped my calcium intake for the day.

My seventeen year old daughter is the source of my inspiration for this new desire to chew my way through card board boxes. She's been going to the gym every day for months, then she began paying someone to train her at the gym and now she puts all her meals inside a ziplock baggie for the day. If it can't fit into that baggie, she won't eat it. I've found that you can get a lot of rocks into one of those baggies, but ice cream gets to be a little messy.

I've also noticed people noticing my daughter since she began her quest for consuming only those food items recommended to put her into optimum shape.. When I say people I mean specifically people of the male variety, some of whom are old enough to be my grandfather. This gives me yet another impetus to get into shape so I can beat the crap out of those drooling idiots for even thinking what they're thinking about my little girl.

Changing your eating habits can be a hard thing to do. I've also realized that when I do it I can become just a teensy weensy bit crankier than I would normally be if I were to be consuming, oh, say some delicious Haagen-Daz. Which brings me around to my next point.

Remember the Twinkie Defense? Dan White went on trial in 1978 for murdering two people in San Francisco and his lawyer successfully argued that the former health-conscious White had turned to eating Twinkies and other junk food which diminished his capacity for distinguishing right from wrong. Voila! Instant innocence!

I plan on having my lawyers argue just the opposite. I cannot be held accountable for the actions I take in the future against anyone oogling my seventeen year old daughter. My consumption of heart healthy foods, sorely lacking in taste and resembling items that are the end results of a forest tossed into a wood chipper have diminished my capacity for premeditation.

I just want to know one thing. Do they serve ice cream in prison?


  1. Wayne Moore11:03 AM

    Not only do they serve it, they bring it right to your cell so you don't have to waste all that energy going to get it!

  2. Been there, have you? :grin:

  3. you grow new taste buds on your tongue every 30 to 50 days. it only takes that long to start tasting food differently. you will also start craving the food you eat....i once lost thirty pounds. good luck!

  4. Ah Anna, that is great news! I've done very well before, then fall on my face. The important thing is that I keep getting back up and trying I suppose. It's just not easy to do sometimes. I went to the gym again this morning and worked through my pain until I felt better.

    I can do this. I can.

  5. yea! remember darling, man (and woman ) are creatures of habit. you will always do what you did before...until you break the habit.

  6. Very true words m'dear.


Post a Comment

Go ahead....tell me the truth :)

Popular posts from this blog

A Poem to an Abusive Man

I've been doing a bit of research on abuse, domestic violence and how it usually ends. It's not pretty and it's painful and I hurt every time I read another woman's tale of horror.

Did you know that emotional abuse is as detrimental as physical abuse? And that most emotional abusers continue on to become physical abusers? I didn't. I do now. I found a site where formerly abused women, on the path to recovery from their abusers, have written poems. This one below is one that haunted me.

Thank You

You wooed me with poetry
I bit on the hook
Had I only first read
The name of the book

I would have avoided
The very first page
For pages kept turning
Revealing the rage

The ups were a great high
The ride was a bash
But I rode with my eyes closed
To avoid seeing the crash
I knew it would come soon
But I never knew when
The rage and the leaving
And the path to the end

You had to control things
Determined you would
Emotionally destroying me
Every way that you could

Elderly Abuse

I heard a loud thud the other morning around 3:30 a.m. I checked my monitor but he'd once again turned it to the wall so I was unable to see if he was still in bed. I went downstairs right behind my sweet husband and dad was on the living room floor moaning and holding his head. He'd fallen. Hard.

The first picture is the day of the fall. The second is the day after. The black eye keeps blossoming. He has a gash on his head, hidden by his silver hair and he skinned his shoulder/arm. He's a mess.

Was he using his walker? Nope. 85 year old toddlers cannot be told what to do. Or rather, they can be told what to do, they simply won't comply. Ever. In fact they get down right angry and throw fits. It's not pretty.

His physical therapist came to the house the next day and strongly told him to use his walker EACH TIME HE STOOD UP. Has he? Nope. Nyet. He was very angry with me yesterday because I kept asking him to use his walker. Also, I asked him i…



Back on the horse
Monkey on his back
I see no light
Not even a crack
Back to delusions
Back to the lies
I see through his words
He can't hear my cries

Back into his soul
Back into his veins
The poison he pours
Dark liquid his chains

Backed into a corner
Heartbroken and torn
Back into the needle
The eye of the storm

Back to the wall
Soul bruised torn and broken
Back to my pain
His eyes half open

Back into the horror
Will he ever come back
Back into the nightmare
A needle in a sack

Back into his childhood
I loved him with fury
Looking back on his life
His choices my jury

How did this happen
Back to evil and sin
How can he do this
Lines on his skin

Back to my weeping
Back to my sorrow
My son, my love,
Has no more tomorrows
(all rights reserved)