American Idol: I'm So Ashamed

Pam's Newspaper column for Pacific Publishing

I have spent the last five years of my life resisting something that seemed to have gotten most of my friends addicted. I already suffer from a Cheeto addiction and I figure that's all the addictions I can handle right now. People gushed about their need to see this thing. Once wasn't enough. They wanted more. Had I seen it? Wasn't that a wonderful thing? Wasn't that a travesty of justice and goodness and all things honorable? I was not going to fall victim to it. No how, no way. I was better than that, wasn't I? I didn't need to feast on other people's misery. There was nothing enticing me to spend days talking about it, waiting for it, then waiting for the next one. I...would...not...watch...American Idol.

Until this past week.

It got me. I never saw it coming. Oh sure, I thought. I would just peek at it for a minute and then flip over to the Discovery Channel and watch something educational. I was above that cheap and tawdry grab for fame. Simon Cowell held no attraction for me. Avoiding rude people in the real world is an art form for me, I had no desire to inflict one on myself voluntarily.

And yet...I did.

It was like coming across a horrific traffic accident. I was powerless to look away. It's human nature they say, a morbid curiosity if you will, about something bad that is happening to other people right before your very eyes. You're thankful it's not happening to you. When people refuse to shut up about something, when they keep asking you if you've seen it and you keep saying no, they give you that googley-eyed gasp of horror as if you'd just told them you don't believe in baseball, apple pie or Mayor Nickels ability to beat Governor Gregoire in a thumb wrestling contest to decide the fate of the Alaskan Way Viaduct. That's just crazy talk.


It also helped that it was shot here in Seattle since I'm, you know, here.

Those poor, misguided people auditioning before the judges. How could someone not have mentioned to some of them that they had absolutely no talent. Was there not someone honest enough in their families or circle of friends that might have mentioned to them that, um, hey, you're tone deaf dude. And that whole 'sexy' look thang you think you've got going for you? It's not working. No, really. It's not. And please wear a bra next time you're out in public.

I was talking to my hubby about that last night and saying the same thing about family/friends not telling these people that they really had no talent/gift for singing and should not try for the audition. And all because they don't want to hurt their feelings by being honest.

Me: "I love to sing but I know I'm not good enough for something like that"

Him: "Oh you are too! You have a beautiful voice. "

Me: (giving him The Look) "What did I just say?"

And with that comment I suddenly knew why those people had gone on to audition for American Idol. They, and I apparently, have no Simon Cowell in our lives. No one to tell us the bitter, painful truth about things.
Yes, that skirt makes your butt look enormous. No, I don't want your mother to spend the summer with us. That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Of course I don't want to see pictures of your vacation to Yellowstone Park, are you kidding me? Your cooking stinks. That nose ring looks ridiculous. Yes, there is an age limit on wearing spandex, and you passed it a looong time ago.
As long as my very own personal Simon Cowell doesn't tell me that Cheetos are fattening, then it's all good. Can anyone tell me when the next episode is on?