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This is my beautiful seventeen year old daughter.

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Husband and I have briefly considered becoming muslim so she would be forced to wear the traditional burkha and we would be able to stop seeing men three times her age oogling her in public.
For some reason she didn't go along with that idea. The wearing of burlap sacks as clothing was also not a big hit with her either. It hasn't helped that she's going to the gym every day and has now used her work money to pay for a personal trainier. Personally, I think she's doing this just to upset us, her parents.

When she got back from the gym last night her face was lit up like a Democrat's after finding out that impeachment hearings for President Bush were a GO. Seems her personal trainer (female) told her that another personal trainer (male) has a crush on her and is planning on giving her his phone number. This is the guy she herself has been oogling for months.

I immediately told my husband to begin preparing for The First Date by repeating "I'm not afraid to go back to jail", over and over again. We also are looking into asking my neighbor who is a seargent in the army to casually pop over with his M-16 and a tank, if he can borrow one on short notice, when this guy comes for my daughter. We also have a very close personal friend in the police department here who would probably love to stop by that night with some of his buddies.

I'm not saying we're over reacting here, I simply believe that preparation is key. You can't be too careful with situations such as these.

Here's the application he's going to have to fill out while my army buddy cleans his gun at the kitchen table and glowers at him every couple of minutes.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________

HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________

SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________

DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________

BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________

CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________

Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______ yes? _______ no?

Number of years parents married:_________________________________________

Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________

A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________
In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

.In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________

. Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________
When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?
(supply phone numbers)___________________________________________________

What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

"If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________
"If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
"A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________
"The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
"When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion.)


SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all


  1. the bartman9:26 PM

    """Personally, I think she's doing this just to upset us, her parents."""

    I can't imagion she would do that. (SNORT!!)

  2. Hello there Pam

    I loved your comments on dating, it made me laugh till my sides hurt, I'm already planning the same things in my mind and my daughter Grace is only 10 months :)



  3. My dad brought up the fact that he had a fun and a pair of overalls the other day and I brought up the fact that if he wanted a nice nursing home to live in when he got old that he better not.

  4. The Rickanator!
    but its so cyute!

    and of course, everything us teens do is to upset you, the Powerful Almighty Queen Latifah.

  5. Having four daughters, J has it sorted ... He's going to shoot and kill the first boy that comes knocking, and then leave the body in the front yard..

    This IS a small city ...Word WILL get out..


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