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Into the double digits

Ten years ago tomorrow I was laying on a hospital gurney as an ultrasound technician with a worried look on her face tried for over an hour to get my baby girl to move in my womb. To show some sign of life. She never did and though there was a faint heartbeat, that's all there was to show us she was still alive.

Some of the rest of the evening is a blur except for the doctor running down the hall yelling that my baby was dying and they had to take her now.

One crash c-section and 24 hours later and I was introduced to my nearly-two month premature baby angel Ashley Rose.

So tiny. So exquisite. So incredibly amazing.

All was well, they told us. All was well.

And truly? All was well. She was here. Despite the stroke and the hemiplegia, seizures, torticollis, cerebral palsy and plagiocephaly she was here. We were initailly told she wouldn't walk, might not talk or do what other children did. Despite that prognosis, or because of it, I pushed harder than I've ever pushed in my life. Pushed for therapy, for treatment, for new treatment, for more treatment.

Tomorrow my baby angel passes a milestone. She'll be going from single digits to her first double digit birthday. I hold her and tell her to please not turn ten. Please....stay my baby girl. Please.

Oh, I know it's futile to ask such a thing, but my mother's heart aches as I realize that all too soon my time with her will be over. I hold her a little tighter because of it. We have what we call 'cheeky time' together. She lays her cheek against mine and I breathe in the sweetness of her and hold that in my heart as long as I can. I hold it against the time when she's a teenager and will balk at me wanting to hold her for more than a quick hug and peck on the cheek. Against the time when she leaves for college and is no longer a physical presence in my every day world. I store up these memories as best I can. She fills my heart and my soul.

This child that was never to walk or talk, runs and laughs and giggles and has taught me things that I otherwise never would have learned.

Happy Birthday Baby Rose. Happy Tenth Birthday, my last baby angel.



  1. I remember that time period! Happy birthday Miss Ashley Rose!!!

  2. Anonymous9:14 PM

    Pam, do you provide tissue with your posts.....?? You should.....

    Happy 10th Birthday to Miss Ashley......!!!!!!

  3. Yes, you were around during that time of my life weren't you Rebecca? Seems like a lifetime ago.

    Thanks Fred...I'll send tissues next time :)

  4. duckgirl10:49 PM

    Happy 10th Birthday Ashley!!! Hope it's a wonderful one!

  5. Send tissues my way too. Such a beautiful tribute by a beautiful soul to a most beautiful daughter. Thank you for sharing such heart felt emotions.

  6. I think that was probably very emotional. However, since I was last here your blog appears to have gone through a food processor and the reaining chunks are barely legible without sunglasses.

  7. Thanks DG!

    Kindness, you are so sweet. I usually have to pay people to say nice things about me. :)

    Richard, yes I changed the layout and colors on my blog. You don't like it? I haven't heard from anyone else that it's hard to read but I'll take your word for it. I'll search out something a bit easier on the eyes just for you. :) Nice to see you btw.

  8. Should have had a tissue in hand for that one. She is an angel.

  9. happy birthday to your miracle baby!


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