I've had three episodes of aura this morning. One right after the other. My eyes ache and my head feels odd. I wonder if there are more to come today. As I sat on my bed with my eyes tightly shut and my sunglasses on, I began to question how I would react should I lose my sight. When my eyes go into their spasms I am only able to see colorful jagged lines. I call them Christmas lights and they generally last half an hour. My field of vision is so restricted that I cannot drive nor engage in any meaningful activities. I am forced to wait it out.
I sat on my bed and listened to the television, but I could not surf FB on my phone. Listening to my grandson playing with my Bella, I could not also watch the Dr. Who episode. Hearing was the only sense I was able to fully access during my episodes. It didn't stop me from trying to see around the jagged lights flashing across my eyes. Frustrating. Especially frustrating for someone like me because I never just do one thing at once. My brain won't allow me to. I multi-task on an epic level. When I'm creating jewelry I have netflix playing on my iPad. When I wrote my first novel, I had headphones in with music blasting in my ears. When I'm listening to someone, my mind is often not on what they are saying but is instead drifting off on some tangent that has nothing to do with the present moment. My youngest has the habit of forcing me to look directly into her eyes when we are having mommy-daughter time because she's known from a very young age that if I am not looking at her I am not listening to her.
My ADD brain has shortchanged so many of my experiences. Are my jagged Christmas lights an attempt by my body to slow me down? Show me another way? No, of course not. However, they have shown me that I am hardly ever in the moment. Hardly. Ever. Never. When I'm sitting in a meeting, my mind is elsewhere. Unless I'm giving the presentation, then of course I'm all in. I'm focused and actually quite comfortable speaking in front of groups of any size.
I need to be more in the moment. I don't know how to do that. I've got over fifty years NOT doing that. And no, I don't want to take any drugs to help with my ADD brain. There must be a healthy way to help me become better at focusing and being IN the moment. I know that many of my moments are not something I want to be in, so I deliberately check out by hiding in the fantasy of a novel or hours of Netflix or my latest obsession, plugging headphones in at night to listen to the police scanner in my city. Even sleep does not get my full attention.
So far the jagged blinking lights have left me alone for an hour. I've written this post while I watch/listen to Dr. Who on the television. I wonder if I can write my next blog post in silence. I'll let you know.