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It's Friday!, wait it's only Thursday. Ugh

I'm not sure that's even a problem for me, as I'm not currently working. Nor have I heard from the powers that be by email, phone or text. A friend in the office did text me this morning to ask if I'd heard anything and I said no. I asked her if she had. She hasn't. Or perhaps she has and is being kind by not telling me. Either way, I am at peace. If I don't get the job, I don't get the job. I should be panicking. Debt, I'm looking at you. And it's giving me a nice stare back.

Today I'm with my youngest daughter and my grandson. And my tiny doggy, Bella. Enzo adores Bella. Bella has warmed to him and now considers him part of our pack. I know this because when someone Bella didn't know tried to touch Enzo, she growled menacingly. As only an almost-five-pound adorable ball of fur can. It was touching.

Shout out to my only reader, G. Parker. Your comments have been kind and sweet. I do appreciate your continued reading of my blatherings and your nice words. We should meet up sometime :)

This is yet another of my rambling posts. I wrote a lengthy post about taking care of my father but I took it down. It was too much, too personal and so many other things. It's hard. And that's all I'll say today on that matter.

Tomorrow I will be attending the funeral for a three year old boy. Christian is the grandson of one of my friends. He was born with many physical issues, one being in need of a new heart. He got it, but things did not go as planned. His mom kept a facebook page about their daily life in the hospital. It's called Christians Soldiers. Mom Aimee ended each post with New Year, New Heart. If you want to read and be uplifted by someone with immense faith in our Father's plan, then this is the page for you. I have learned so very much from her about grace under fire. About faith in the Lord's timing and about acceptance of God's will. I doubt I will ever be as strong as this amazing woman, but she gives me something to shoot for. Tomorrow will be difficult and painful--and beautiful. Christian was an amazing little soul with such a grin. I'm smiling here as I write this and seeing his little face. His story touched thousands of people across the world.

Saturday I will be visiting my son in rehab. It doesn't even hurt to write those words. Amazing.

Sunday I will try to go to church. This year has been a year where I have had much difficulty in attending on Sundays. So has my husband. We didn't really connect with the ward we moved into and so we asked for a boundary exception and haven't heard a word about it. I think we're somewhere in limbo land. It's not an entirely nice feeling. Perhaps New Year, New Heart should apply to me as well. I need a new heart for I fear the one I have is damaged.


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A Poem to an Abusive Man

I've been doing a bit of research on abuse, domestic violence and how it usually ends. It's not pretty and it's painful and I hurt every time I read another woman's tale of horror.

Did you know that emotional abuse is as detrimental as physical abuse? And that most emotional abusers continue on to become physical abusers? I didn't. I do now. I found a site where formerly abused women, on the path to recovery from their abusers, have written poems. This one below is one that haunted me.

Thank You

You wooed me with poetry
I bit on the hook
Had I only first read
The name of the book

I would have avoided
The very first page
For pages kept turning
Revealing the rage

The ups were a great high
The ride was a bash
But I rode with my eyes closed
To avoid seeing the crash
I knew it would come soon
But I never knew when
The rage and the leaving
And the path to the end

You had to control things
Determined you would
Emotionally destroying me
Every way that you could

Elderly Abuse

I heard a loud thud the other morning around 3:30 a.m. I checked my monitor but he'd once again turned it to the wall so I was unable to see if he was still in bed. I went downstairs right behind my sweet husband and dad was on the living room floor moaning and holding his head. He'd fallen. Hard.

The first picture is the day of the fall. The second is the day after. The black eye keeps blossoming. He has a gash on his head, hidden by his silver hair and he skinned his shoulder/arm. He's a mess.

Was he using his walker? Nope. 85 year old toddlers cannot be told what to do. Or rather, they can be told what to do, they simply won't comply. Ever. In fact they get down right angry and throw fits. It's not pretty.

His physical therapist came to the house the next day and strongly told him to use his walker EACH TIME HE STOOD UP. Has he? Nope. Nyet. He was very angry with me yesterday because I kept asking him to use his walker. Also, I asked him i…



Back on the horse
Monkey on his back
I see no light
Not even a crack
Back to delusions
Back to the lies
I see through his words
He can't hear my cries

Back into his soul
Back into his veins
The poison he pours
Dark liquid his chains

Backed into a corner
Heartbroken and torn
Back into the needle
The eye of the storm

Back to the wall
Soul bruised torn and broken
Back to my pain
His eyes half open

Back into the horror
Will he ever come back
Back into the nightmare
A needle in a sack

Back into his childhood
I loved him with fury
Looking back on his life
His choices my jury

How did this happen
Back to evil and sin
How can he do this
Lines on his skin

Back to my weeping
Back to my sorrow
My son, my love,
Has no more tomorrows
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