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On the 14th Day of Christmas you don't want to know ...

But you're going to find out anyway so I might as well share with you my very own personal version of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

I'm sure you're thrilled. Go ahead, sing along. After all, it's going to be so festive. No, really. I promise. Break out the eggnog.

On the first day of Christmas
My cell phone company gave to me
notice that my son had texted fourteen hundred times in one week

On the second day of Christmas
My son gave to me
notice that he was failing math

On the third day of Christmas
my coed called to say
You have to come and get me
and I'm not flying home alone either!

On the fourth day of Christmas
my husband said to me
The cats have horked in two places
and if you don't put them outside I will be killing them soon

On the fifth day of Christmas
I had a stroke!

Fourteen hundred text messages!
Son failing math!
Girl NOT flying home!
Cat hork on carpeting
and a stroke in my parietal lobe!

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love gave me to me
CAT scan and bloodwork!

On the seventh day of Christmas
Verizon said to me
We turn your phones off unless you pay big bucks

On the eight day of Christmas
My sister said to me
I'm sorry but our Auntie Helen died

On the ninth day of Christmas
disabled daughter says to me
my brace hurts and I'm not wearing it anymore!

On the tenth day of Christmas
my cerebral cortex said to me
You really don't need to see out of your right eye

On the eleventh day of Christmas
ER doctor says to me
Ma'am you going to get an MRI

On the twelfth day of Christmas
our son calls us to say
Airbags went off but I'm ok

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You're going to hear about it anyway, so I just thought I'd do a blanket-telling right here. In fact. just so you know? Don't expect any Christmas cards from me this year.

C'mon, lets sing it all together now!

Fourteen hundred text messages!
Son failing math!
Girl NOT flying home!
Cat hork on carpeting
and a stroke in my parietal lobe!
CT scan and bloodwork!
Removal of phone service!
Death in the family!
Leg Brace not working!
Right eye goes kaplooey!
Get an MRI
The airbags went off but car is totaled now.

Merry Christmas everyone!


  1. Some folk just make no effort to get into the seasonal spirit.

  2. This is the kind of stuff that they make movies about, fictional movies. How about a new career in screen writing? I hope the next 12 days of Christmas are more peaceful. I hope you are okay.

    And isn't the blog a kind of Christmas card?

  3. On the contrary, Vicus, I feel she needs to start drinking deeply of the Christmas spirit (or of any other spirit she can lay her hands on).

  4. Ay, caramba. Well, things HAVE to get better.

  5. I was hoping so....

    but last night I found out that my nephew with cystic fibrosis has pnuemonia and MRSA.

    ..and a holly jolly Christmas....

    Oh, and Paul? I've enjoyed peeking in on your blog once in a while. Sounds like you're doing well.....


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