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Remote Controls and Imminent Death

Remote Controls and PMS
Pamela's column for December 26, 2007

You’d think that after being married for twenty years, my husband would have learned how to catch any subtle hint I may toss his way. Sometimes I’ll shiver and he’ll know I’m cold. Or I’ll suddenly turn bright orange and have flames shooting out the top of my head and he might understand that I’m having a hot flash and know that it’s time to duck, cover and roll.

As I said, a husband should just understand the hints that his wife sets before him. Like the one I casually made yesterday. It went something like this:
“Get me a remote control that works for the tv or I will kill you”

Not subtle enough?

Last night in bed we were watching some show and the commercial came on. You know how commercials suddenly raise the volume on the television from just right straight to I will make your ears bleed? Well I was working on my laptop and the noise was deafening and distracting so I asked him to mute it for me.

He stuck his fingers in my ears.

I’m not kidding.

I’m fairly certain that no jury in the world would have convicted me of murder had I suddenly bitten off both of his fingers and choked him with them.

Then he spent five minutes pushing every button on the remote. He probably did that because the look I gave him raised his personal threat level from SAFE to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I swear to you that he is beside me in bed right now and he is STILL pushing buttons on that dead remote.

Even people who live in trailers have remote controls that work.

I said that to him, which caused him to break into a humorous (or so he thought) story about a guy he works with who had the same TV as a neighbor did and they would giggle and guffaw as they changed each other’s television channels through the walls of their mobile homes. Still not amused, I told him that see? Even his friends from work WHO LIVE IN TRAILERS have remote controls.

I don’t want a remote control for my garage doors, I can live without that. I don’t want a remote for my stereo (mostly because I don’t have one) or one that regulates the temperature of my house, turns on my lights or one that even claps on or off.
I want a remote control for my television so I can CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHEN I want to. How 1970’s of that is me? People in the 1970's had remote controls for their televisions and vcrs. They may have been tethered to the machines, but still.

Now…..imagine that you have no remote control. You don’t feel good. In fact you feel pretty darn crappy because you have PMS, among other things.

PMS + no remote control = imminent death.

This should be the kind of thing a husband with twenty years of marriage under his belt should immediately sense. This should cause said husband to leave the house and go directly to the store. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars just BUY YOUR WIFE A REMOTE CONTROL BEFORE SHE KILLS YOU.

(editor’s note: the columnist wishes her audience to know that yes, she is quite aware that there are worse things in life than having to get up and manually change the channel on the television set. She also wishes you to know that she adores her husband and would never bite off his fingers and choke him to death with them. Unless of course she was provoked and then that whole ‘justifiable homicide’ comes into play, especially if there are any married women on the jury.)


  1. I'm sure Tom will offer to come and press your buttons for you.

  2. Yes, he is so very wrong.
    Every guy knows that you do not give a remote control unit to a woman. They don't know how it works. It is a man thing.
    They do not appreciate that you have to circle through all 742 channels before you find the one that you want, and that by then the programme has finished. It is a very easy concept to grasp for men, but not for women.
    I suggest he buys you a book.

  3. Oh Dave---were that it were true. Tommy is much too busy with his horsies. But feel free to put in a good word for me.

    Vicus, what's hilarious is that I'm the one flipping through channels at the speed of light and hubby is usually sleeping. Of course now neither one of us is doing any flipping.

  4. Pam, all I can say is Tom is a slow learner. I have been married for 35 years and I learned very quickly that I only needed to know four words.

    "Your absolutely right dear."

    This is the first time I've read your stuff, I enjoyed your humor.


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