Happy Holidays!
Pamela's column for Pacific Publishing December 5, 2007
As the old year fades and the New Year approaches our thoughts turn to the important things that we ponder every year around this time: can I eat one more frosted sugar cookie in the shape of a Christmas tree and not have the buttons on my shirt turn into projectiles that will take out everyone in the room?
Overindulging at this time of year is a big problem, one that causes bigger problems, big being the operative word here. I’ve decided that it’s time to take drastic measures and I’m going to take you with me because I’m too afraid to go alone.
I have discovered a way to keep fit and trim and during this perilously high caloric season of overindulgence and I owe it all to my youngest child.
In watching her behavior over the past year I’ve noticed that she tends to eat what she wants and never appears to put on any extra poundage or have her clothing turn into weapons of mass destruction. It took me awhile but I’ve finally discovered why.
Bad behavior. You can lose weight by being naughty—and no, not that way, although I’m sure if you look long enough you’ll find that someone somewhere has created a naughty workout to help you feel the burn. No, this is what I like to call Fitness Fits.
The premise for this approach to keeping the pounds at bay is simple. When you don’t get your way, and quite frankly just how often to you get your own way as adult,
pitch a fit.
There are a few classic moves that you might remember from your own childhood if you can reach that far back into your past. First a few things to consider before you fling yourself to the floor and begin your Fitness Fits
• You’re not as young as you were when you last used this workout. Throwing yourself down without first making sure there’s an air mattress to catch you may result in severe bodily injury requiring a call for the paramedics. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. They’re usually pretty good looking guys.
• Make sure that the person you’re performing for is watching. It’s all good and well to use Fitness Fits as a cardio workout, but wouldn’t it be even better if it helped you get what you want? It’s a win-win!
Now that we have the preliminaries out of the way, let’s get down to specifics. Classic moves in this program may feel a bit silly to you at first, but remember that you’re going back to your roots. It might help to visualize yourself as a three or four year old that’s just been told NO by their mommy or their daddy. Of course now you’ve been told by your doctor that you can’t salt your food any longer because of some silly hypertension issues your body is raising. Fitness Fits will help you get back in touch with your inner child so you can annoy those around you.
Here are some of the tried and true methods of Fitness Fits:
• Place your body on the floor on your back. Kick your legs repeatedly. Usually 4 sets of 20 should get your heart pumping like a well oiled machine. Primal screaming is an excellent enhancement to this move.
• Body Rolls. It helps if you pretend you’re on fire to make this move work. Stop, drop and roll. Repeat the roll. Keep rolling. Unless you have an unobstructed pathway, you must roll back and forth as fast as you can.
• Body Twisting. This is a variation on the Body Roll in that you stop rolling occasionally to twist your body into positions you haven’t been able to reach since before you hit puberty. You’ll either increase your flexibility with this move or put yourself into traction.
• Body Slamming. I don’t recommend this move unless you’ve already been committed to the psych ward and are enjoying the benefits of a well padded room, which is a very real possibility if someone sees you doing this one. Slam your body repeatedly into walls, furniture, floor and if you’re really good, the ceiling. As always, guttural noises increase the effectiveness of this exercise.
I hope I’ve helped you here with some new ideas to make your holidays a bit cheerier, a little more exciting and increase the probability that you’ll end up in protective custody of some sort. After all, nothing says holiday cheer like involuntary commitment.
Happy Holidays
Pamela's column for Pacific Publishing December 5, 2007
As the old year fades and the New Year approaches our thoughts turn to the important things that we ponder every year around this time: can I eat one more frosted sugar cookie in the shape of a Christmas tree and not have the buttons on my shirt turn into projectiles that will take out everyone in the room?
Overindulging at this time of year is a big problem, one that causes bigger problems, big being the operative word here. I’ve decided that it’s time to take drastic measures and I’m going to take you with me because I’m too afraid to go alone.
I have discovered a way to keep fit and trim and during this perilously high caloric season of overindulgence and I owe it all to my youngest child.
In watching her behavior over the past year I’ve noticed that she tends to eat what she wants and never appears to put on any extra poundage or have her clothing turn into weapons of mass destruction. It took me awhile but I’ve finally discovered why.
Bad behavior. You can lose weight by being naughty—and no, not that way, although I’m sure if you look long enough you’ll find that someone somewhere has created a naughty workout to help you feel the burn. No, this is what I like to call Fitness Fits.
The premise for this approach to keeping the pounds at bay is simple. When you don’t get your way, and quite frankly just how often to you get your own way as adult,
pitch a fit.
There are a few classic moves that you might remember from your own childhood if you can reach that far back into your past. First a few things to consider before you fling yourself to the floor and begin your Fitness Fits
• You’re not as young as you were when you last used this workout. Throwing yourself down without first making sure there’s an air mattress to catch you may result in severe bodily injury requiring a call for the paramedics. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. They’re usually pretty good looking guys.
• Make sure that the person you’re performing for is watching. It’s all good and well to use Fitness Fits as a cardio workout, but wouldn’t it be even better if it helped you get what you want? It’s a win-win!
Now that we have the preliminaries out of the way, let’s get down to specifics. Classic moves in this program may feel a bit silly to you at first, but remember that you’re going back to your roots. It might help to visualize yourself as a three or four year old that’s just been told NO by their mommy or their daddy. Of course now you’ve been told by your doctor that you can’t salt your food any longer because of some silly hypertension issues your body is raising. Fitness Fits will help you get back in touch with your inner child so you can annoy those around you.
Here are some of the tried and true methods of Fitness Fits:
• Place your body on the floor on your back. Kick your legs repeatedly. Usually 4 sets of 20 should get your heart pumping like a well oiled machine. Primal screaming is an excellent enhancement to this move.
• Body Rolls. It helps if you pretend you’re on fire to make this move work. Stop, drop and roll. Repeat the roll. Keep rolling. Unless you have an unobstructed pathway, you must roll back and forth as fast as you can.
• Body Twisting. This is a variation on the Body Roll in that you stop rolling occasionally to twist your body into positions you haven’t been able to reach since before you hit puberty. You’ll either increase your flexibility with this move or put yourself into traction.
• Body Slamming. I don’t recommend this move unless you’ve already been committed to the psych ward and are enjoying the benefits of a well padded room, which is a very real possibility if someone sees you doing this one. Slam your body repeatedly into walls, furniture, floor and if you’re really good, the ceiling. As always, guttural noises increase the effectiveness of this exercise.
I hope I’ve helped you here with some new ideas to make your holidays a bit cheerier, a little more exciting and increase the probability that you’ll end up in protective custody of some sort. After all, nothing says holiday cheer like involuntary commitment.
Happy Holidays
Gee, I never thought of it that way. Sounds like a good cardio workout. Once again Pamela, you have made me giggle!!
ReplyDeleteI am going to NZ for Chrissie.
ReplyDeleteInteresting- wonder if Weight Watchers knows about this workout?
ReplyDeleteYou don't mind if I substitute some young nurses for the paramedics, do you?
ReplyDeleteI wish we could all do this...you get all your frustrations out AND you get fit at the same time.
Brilliant, Pammy!