Thursday, January 06, 2011

Changing the Conversation

If you're like me, and you're probably not (lucky you), you have ongoing internal conversations with yourself. I tend to lay awake at night and can't shut my brain off.

I wonder if that cleared the bank yet.... Hmm, yes definitely Johnny Depp.....wait, did I give Ash her meds tonight?.....mmm...chocolate...

Those are mostly the benign thoughts that pass through my gray matter. Then I really get going with the good stuff.

Wow....I really messed that one up today.....could I BE any more hideous looking? I mean really....I wonder who it was that did that to me....why didn't we have family prayer tonight? ARG I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.....I didn't know I was doing it wrong, did I? Was I told that before? Who did I tick off? I don't remember messing that up but I must have if they complained about it....Oh CRAP, how many days till the state visit to check my records?????? ARGHHHHHH!

At this point in my internal monologue I'm usually squirming and my stomach begins to hurt. I flip and flop in the bed. I continue to excoriate myself for my failings that day...and then I move on to my past failures, of which there are many.

What was I thinking??? I wasn't, as usual. I am too dumb to live. I can't believe I did that. Why did I do that? What IS WRONG WITH ME? I knew better. I did. I'm not a good person. How can I be a good person if I did that? .... I'm so stupid....dumb, that was dumb...I know I looked like an idiot when....

And on and on it goes.

Last night as I was writhing inside, chastising myself for my weaknesses, for my stupidity and foibles I (as usual) felt horrible.

Then I stopped and a thought ran through my mind.

Why do I always tell myself how awful I am and catalog my mistakes? Why don't I lay here and think about all the GOOD things I've done instead?

So I tried. I really did. Like most of us, we've been taught not to blow our own horns, to be humble. I've raised self deprecation to an art form. If there was a Self Esteem Destruction Olympics, I'd be on the top platform trying to stand up under the weight of all the gold medals around my neck.

I tried again.

That Hispanic woman in line behind me at the store didn't have enough money to buy her milk...so I paid for it for her. I bought that homeless guy breakfast and gave him a hat, poor guy it was so cold out I can't imagine sleeping outside when it's like this....I'm so glad I can finally stand up long enough to make dinner...that meatloaf was really good tonight...everyone seemed to like it....now that he's got a battery for his car I hope he can find a job...I better put more protein bars in the suburban to give to the homeless guy...I love my husband. I'm so blessed to have this man in my life....

My tummy felt a little better.

I've decided when I lay down at night to account for my day I will NOT focus on my weaknesses. I will NOT recount all my sins, going back to my infancy, and I WILL talk kinder to myself during my internal conversations. If I don't, who will? :)

1 comment:

  1. Way to go! I find that I'm thinking about my kids and what they need to do for the next day, or what I need to do the following day. I don't usually stew about my day unless it's something someone did to me, or affected me. sigh. I'm sooo self centered..lol.
    You are an inspiration to us all. thanks for keeping us up on your life.

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