It's like this...

In my readings this week, I came across a video of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. He gave a talk entitled, "Peace Within." Who doesn't want peace? Who doesn't crave peace within their soul? In their lives? In their hearts and in their homes? How often do we have complete peace? I'd say my answer would have to be that there isn't enough peace in my life, heart or home. It's not like I live in a warzone--I do not. I'm blessed to live in a nation where I have freedoms granted to me by the founding fathers and I do not risk being struck down by bombs or shot by snipers when I venture forth from my home. My neighborhood is relatively safe, so much so that I take solo walks. The peace I speak of is something different. It's the peace that can be with me no matter my circumstances. I crave that peace. Elder Wirthlin says that peace begins in the hearts of righteous individuals. How does it begin? With a relationship with our creator. In ferven...

As I've been reading Conference Talks, I was touched by one by Elder Neil L. Anderson. He spoke of healing. Not in a physical sense, although that is also within the purview of the Lord, but about spiritual healing. When we've done something wrong, and everyone has, we should rightly feel guilt. Sometimes we feel shame. Some say that these feelings are not valid, they are bad and unproductive, and I agree in part. Those feelings are horrible, but they are not unproductive if they lead you to real repentance and a change for the better in your life. We are counseled to come unto Christ, so that He may heal us. There is no sin that cannot be forgiven. There is no wrong that cannot, in the end and with proper steps taken, that cannot be wiped clean. I'm grateful for this promise--because the world needs peace and I need mercy. (That's another quote from one of the apostles). I'm so grateful for so many things--not the least of which is the opportunity to ...

BACK Back on the horse Monkey on his back I see no light Not even a crack Back to delusions Back to the lies I see through his words He can't hear my cries Back into his soul Back into his veins The poison he pours Dark liquid his chains Backed into a corner Heartbroken and torn Back into the needle The eye of the storm Back to the wall Soul bruised torn and broken Back to my pain His eyes half open Back into the horror Will he ever come back Back into the nightmare A needle in a sack Back into his childhood I loved him with fury Looking back on his life His choices my jury How did this happen Back to evil and sin How can he do this Lines on his skin Back to my weeping Back to my sorrow My son, my love, Has no more tomorrows (all rights reserved)

As you can see, we've had a lot of excitement recently. Life is always exciting. I love exciting!

I'm back in school---again! This is the third time I've attempted to finish my Bachelors degree. They say the third time is the charm. I'm into week three of my studies. It's amazing to me how my old brain can still rise to the challenge when I, er, challenge it. It's been an experience, that's for sure. I'm doing online school through BYU-I at the moment and one of the classes I'm taking is the Book of Mormon. I know for all you non-LDS people out there, this may seem odd and strange to you. That's perfectly all right. No one takes the same path in life, and isn't that wonderful? How very boring it would be if we were all carbon copies of each other! In my class I was required to watch six different video clips. I wanted to share one of the messages that struck me as particularly important. It's from a talk by Elder Bednar , one of the 12 living apostles we have today. (Note-that link does not take you to his talk but to anoth...

I heard a loud thud the other morning around 3:30 a.m. I checked my monitor but he'd once again turned it to the wall so I was unable to see if he was still in bed. I went downstairs right behind my sweet husband and dad was on the living room floor moaning and holding his head. He'd fallen. Hard. The first picture is the day of the fall. The second is the day after. The black eye keeps blossoming. He has a gash on his head, hidden by his silver hair and he skinned his shoulder/arm. He's a mess. Was he using his walker? Nope. 85 year old toddlers cannot be told what to do. Or rather, they can be told what to do, they simply won't comply. Ever. In fact they get down right angry and throw fits. It's not pretty. His physical therapist came to the house the next day and strongly told him to use his walker EACH TIME HE STOOD UP. Has he? Nope. Nyet. He was very angry with me yesterday because I kept asking him to use his walker. Also, I asked ...

I became a new parent about three weeks ago. One thing I forgot from my previous parenting experience was to always nap when they nap, or you're going to be exhausted. Well, I'm exhausted. He gets up at the crack of holy-crap-why-can't-you-just-sleep-past-5-o'clock every morning. (Not to mention at least four times a night) He naps during the day several times. I haven't napped but I did yesterday. I fell asleep on the couch...and what did he do? Got up by himself and did things he wasn't supposed to do unsupervised. Like shower. I have an 85 year old toddler who won't listen to reason. And yes, I understand that he's lost his ability to do most things that he loved---driving his big truck, working in his yard and other things---but his Parkinsons and his balance have made changes to everything that was once safe for him to do on his own. I love him dearly and am only trying to keep him safe. This tightrope I'm walking between daug...

I spoke too soon about feeling better. My grandson was delightful enough to share his virus with me, so I've spent the past five days losing everything from both ends. It hasn't been pretty. As a weight loss program though... At least one end of me has stopped spewing. Now I wait for the other end to stop pretending to be filled with hot lava and erupting without much notice. Sorry, this is what is called over-sharing. Apparently I'm very good at it. You're welcome. Last night I walked around the block with hubby and our adorable puppy. It was the first time I've been out of the house in five days. It was lovely, even though I was very shaky. Today I actually tried to accomplish something. I sat at my jewelry table, moved my seaglass around. Picked up pieces and played them through my hands. Such beautfy that came from something considered useless garbage and tossed away. I love my sea glass. It gives me the happies. I also had a severe case o...

Was I enough today? Did I do enough? It never feels like enough. I made an extra large apple crisp and a pot of applesauce. For dinner I roasted and stuffed acorn squash with quinoa, sage, thyme, fresh cranberries, mushrooms, garlic, and onions. I flea combed Bella twice. I sat at my table full of sea glass but couldn't come up with anything more creative than running some of my gorgeous glass through my hands. I cleaned the kitchen. Scrubbed the stove. I played on snapchat with my father. I put him on different filters and watched him laugh and laugh. He came into my room just as I was reading my scriptures. I fed my father lunch and breakfast. Lunch was sweet potato zoodles with Parmesan, bacon, spinach, eggs, onions and some garlic. It was leftover from dinner last night. He liked it. I gave him a bottle of water. He doesn't drink enough water. I spent far too much time on Facebook and Instagram today. Not enough time moving. I need to move more. I've been sick for...

I rely on the kindness of strangers... Or not so much strangers as readers of my miserable blog. I received a beautiful card in the mail from my long-tine reader (perhaps my ONLY reader) that lifted my heart. Thank you, G. Parkes. It was kind of you to think of me. Seriously---you are so sweet. Thank you. Perhaps we can meet in person one day. I'll be in Utah after Conference. We'll see how it goes. I've been caring for my autistic grandson since July. It seems longer sometimes---and that's not a complaint. I adore this little man. He holds my heart. He fills my arms and my heart in the way that my own small babies used to do. When mine reached the age where they didn't want to be in my arms any longer, I felt their absence. Their absence from my arms was heavier than actually having them in my arms. It was an ache that is difficult to describe, a phantom pain where something once was but now is no longer. Before my husband and I went to the ca...

Pin point pupils In the kitchen last night Undeniable Denied Breathing lies Living lies Where will he lie Pinpoint his destination He lies as easily as he breathes. I cannot believe even the simplest protestation from his mouth. He said he had four days clean. I believed. Short lived belief. I saw his eyes last night. He didn't want me to. He never does. How much longer can we live in this hell?

I may have spelled that incorrectly, as I don't have access to the notes I took yesterday while reading the scriptures. However, he was in prison with Nephi and Lehi--decendants of Lehi and Sariah. They had been tossed into prison and were about to be seized by the guards to be put to death. Abinidab was a dissenter from the church but when he saw Nephi and Lehi encircled about by fire, actually being in the center of the flames and saw that they were not burned but instead were conversing with messengers from heaven, he repented. He began to call others to repentence. He rediscovered his faith. I have not seen missionairies encircled by fire. I have not been in prison, except of my own making. I have not lost my faith but I seemed to have put it on pause for a bit. I have allowed the world to shake me and circumstances beyond my control have caused me to pull back. I was tired. Exhausted. Unable to find my footing. And while I am still very tender and brokenhearted, ...

and it's at the beach cabin. Hubby and I spent four glorious days there and came back last night. I felt such peace there. I want to be able to feel that same peace on this side of the water. These are photos from past trips. It's still as beautiful. I am incredibly blessed to have this man by my side and this beautiful beach cabin for renewal and recharging. I have found my happy once more indeed.

... And I know not how to get it back.

He left rehab. Refused to stay the required time, much less the added ten day penalty for breaking out to get high the first time. He showed up at our house at one in the morning and scared the day lights out of me. Said he's clean. Said he's going to stay clean. Says he will prove it to us. The only thing he's proving to us is that he's not ready to admit his addiction is more powerful than he is. I'm preparing myself for the worst, because it's coming. I'm going to lose my son. I lost him a long time ago, because this walking ghost hasn't been my son for a very long time. He's going to die and I have to be ready. Somehow... I have to be ready. I'm scared.

He left rehab with other addicts. They used their drugs. Then he went back. Who does that? I'll tell you: SOMEONE THAT ISN'T READY TO BE CLEAN. He's not ready to be sober. In light of this news, his grandfather has decided he cannot have my son come to live with him. When I spoke to my son today I told him the news. I also told him that he cannot come home to live with us any longer. He told me that I ruined his day and then hung up on me. I feel sick. Literally physically ill. I want to curl ino the fetal position and cry for days. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My heart...continues to break. How can something that has been shattered so many times continue to splinter and crumble? How can there be anything left?

...and another one opens, right? Sometimes not. Sometimes there is a very hard, enormously large brick wall. No doors. No windows. I didn't get my job. I say 'my' job, but it wasn't really. I don't believe the powers that be, and that goes all the way to the very top, appreciated my vocal, albeit kindly worded, encouragement of more hours added to the position to care for the homeless students. It took them seven years to realize that the person taking care of these most at risk students should be a full time person, not a three hour a day person. Then they let me go. I'm incredibly sad. And not entirely sure what to do with this gigantic brick wall facing me. I'm lost.

I held my daughters lorazapam in my hands. Ten pills. I wonder if I took them all, would I ever wake up? I could mix them with the last of the vicodine I have left over from my back injury. No. I won't. Sometimes I have these random thoughts. I want to sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep. There is sometimes too much time in the world. I don't know how to fill it, I don't want to be in it and I feel guilty for this when I know there are so many others out there in this great big world that have little or no time left on this earth and would give anything for another day. Depression stinks. It's almost taken my daughter three--no, four--times. Each time we've pulled her back from the brink. Now she walks that high ledge. One misstep and she's gone for good, but still she stays up there, The air is thin, so she doesn't move much, conserving her energy to slide one foot in front of the other, then stopping for long periods again. Looking down, ne...

I've had three episodes of aura this morning. One right after the other. My eyes ache and my head feels odd. I wonder if there are more to come today. As I sat on my bed with my eyes tightly shut and my sunglasses on, I began to question how I would react should I lose my sight. When my eyes go into their spasms I am only able to see colorful jagged lines. I call them Christmas lights and they generally last half an hour. My field of vision is so restricted that I cannot drive nor engage in any meaningful activities. I am forced to wait it out. I sat on my bed and listened to the television, but I could not surf FB on my phone. Listening to my grandson playing with my Bella, I could not also watch the Dr. Who episode. Hearing was the only sense I was able to fully access during my episodes. It didn't stop me from trying to see around the jagged lights flashing across my eyes. Frustrating. Especially frustrating for someone like me because I never just do one thin...

I'm not sure that's even a problem for me, as I'm not currently working. Nor have I heard from the powers that be by email, phone or text. A friend in the office did text me this morning to ask if I'd heard anything and I said no. I asked her if she had. She hasn't. Or perhaps she has and is being kind by not telling me. Either way, I am at peace. If I don't get the job, I don't get the job. I should be panicking. Debt, I'm looking at you. And it's giving me a nice stare back. Today I'm with my youngest daughter and my grandson. And my tiny doggy, Bella. Enzo adores Bella. Bella has warmed to him and now considers him part of our pack. I know this because when someone Bella didn't know tried to touch Enzo, she growled menacingly. As only an almost-five-pound adorable ball of fur can. It was touching. Shout out to my only reader, G. Parker. Your comments have been kind and sweet. I do appreciate your continued reading of...