Friday, February 18, 2011

Things I Have Learned This Week

I think I shall write a once-a-week blog post on what nuggets of wisdom I've sopped up with my middle aged brain during the previous...you know, week. Perhaps then when I'm nearing my dottage (hush up, Ken)I'll have a plethora of useful facts to read in order to jog my memory.

Or not.

1. It's possible to cram 12 adolescent females into a suburban legally licensed to carry 7 passengers. Please do not ask me how I know this fact.

2. Adolescent females can apparently go vegan at the drop of a sad animal video. And then switch right back to being an omnivore the second you've loaded your fridge with tofu, bean sprouts, vegan cookbooks and vegan refried beans in order to support their desire to eschew all things meaty. You may ask me how I know this, but expect a lengthy diatribe and bring tissues.

3. I am walking kind of, sort of ok until I am brutalized by my physical therapist Ken. Then I cannot walk worth beans for two days afterward. Speaking of beans, anyone want some? I have lots.

4. The probability that a disaster involving something at my job increases exponentially by the number of miles I've driven from my office, causing me to return and rescue someone.

5. I have learned that the only way to get my skinniest daughter to stop asking me if she's fat is to reply, "You are hideously obese. How can you walk through that door, much less hold your head up? Please don't step outside for you will frighten the neighborhood children and any small animals about."

6. Never EVER click on a video from a Latin American country where the title is ,'La Vida no vale nada' You will be spiritually and emotionally bruised for the remainder of the day. They do not have the same requirement to warn viewers beforehand about disturbing and graphic content. Trust me on this. You cannot unsee something once you've seen it.

7. If you want to make a menopausal woman happy, buy her a small personal battery operated fan so she can carry it with her every second of every minute of every day. It will become her new best friend---next to you of course.

8. Just because Cheetos are orange does not mean you can claim they are a vegetable because carrots are the same color. By that reasoning, I can pay you your allowance with actual lettuce instead of dollar bills because they are both green.

9. I may very well be the cause of Global Warming. Someone alert Al Gore

This last one might be the most important thing I've learned this week.


10. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalms 46:10.


Weren't expecting that last one, were you?

3 comments:

  1. I loved them and sadly enough can identify personally with several of them, most specifically the menopausal woman needing a fan. Thanks for a good chuckle.

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  2. Vicus, Ken is a friend of mine with the inability to put words together in a coherent sentence. He's very difficult to understand, though I do understand he has a large following.

    Lisa, lovely time of life, isn't it? I love bursting into flames suddenly.

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