It's late...and I'm on some meds that make me loopy and uber relaxed. So...what could wrong by combining that with some blogging? Suuuuure. Nothing, right?
Been a couple of weeks since I blogged. Mostly been collecting stress and super gluing it to my neck and head and shoulders and eyes. This is why today, when the doctor put her hands on my neck and shoulders, she took a quick breath and said, "Oh honey. You are a mess."
Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for noticing. I'm not going 'round the bed mentally or anything, although I think a mental vacation of a sorts might be just the thing. No, I've just accumulated so much tension in my life recently, that it's collected in my back, shoulders, neck and eyeballs.
Did I mention that most of the time my eyes feel as though they are sitting inside of a cannon, about to be shot into the air at high velocity. They hurt so badly. Thankfully I am the happy recipient of a plethora of medicinal pallatives and an appointment for physical therapy and massage.
oooooh, massage. I can hardly wait.
I would tell you of the stress that has been settling upon me as a heavy, scratchy wool blanket on a hot summer night. You know, when you really wouldn't WANT it on you, but I'd be discussing private matters and that would never do. It would, in fact, cause greater stress to settle down upon me.
So here I sit, relaxed enough that I'm 'bout to fall right off this chair. It's wonderful that I can think about the various situations going on and not have that tight, hot ball of dread roiling around in my chest making it difficult to catch my breath. I know the problems will still be there in the morning---but for now, just for a tiny bit of time---I'm going to take a break from them and just...breathe.
Breathing is highly under valued.
As I close out this spectacularly boring blog post, I wish to you leave you with this:
There are so many moments in my life that I am unable to recall. I don't remember the first time I rode a bike, or have any memory of having chicken pox. So, so many things that are not accessible in my memory...but this one thing I will never forget. The soft feel of Stephanie's cheek when I felt it for the first time. Her tiny little head, hardly any hair....holding her iddy biddy body in my arms and gently running my finger back and forth over the softest thing I'd ever experienced in life. I can literally still feel that. If I close my eyes, I can bring back the scent memory of her---and I am awash in tender memories.
Many things have changed since that day, 23 years ago. My total love and devotion to this soft-cheeked child has not. She'll never hold the memory of me lightly grazing her cheeks with my finger to feel that velvet, but I'll never forget it. Ever. It was at that moment that I knew I would protect her with my life---and I don't mean figuratively. I hope one day she will know this feeling...and then she will understand.