I need to stop reading/watching the news. It's depressing. I find myself worrying about people I don't know, in places I've never been and wondering how I can live with myself in such a beautiful home, with enough food to eat when there are people out there suffering.
It doesn't make for restful sleep at night.
I have an overactive sense of guilt---even for things I haven't done. Ever have a police car come up behind you and follow you for a bit? Does your adrenaline kick in? Even if you haven't done anything wrong? Yeah, me too. I don't know why. I would make a terrific Catholic, or so I hear.
Suicide bombers randomly murdering innocent civilians due to some misguided religious fervor and the promise of nubile young women on the other side of that explosion, babies suffocating accidentally as they slept in their parents' bed", A drunk driver kills a byciclist and so much, much more.
For some time I've been on an emotional overload due to the vicissitudes of life, mostly things beyond my control. When things come to me in the night as I try to sleep, I mentally shove them all behind a large door in my head and then slam it shut with large padlocks. It worked---perhaps too well. Each time a bad thought arrived---a circumstance over which I had no control--behind the door it went. I found myself distancing myself from actual feelings, as feelings were dangerous and to be avoided. No, I didn't lose my faith--my faith is still rock solid, I simply deigned to stop feeling, because it was painful.
Probably not the healthiest way to deal with things. Ok, there was also chocolate involved as well as this great Thai restaurant. But I digress....
I have discovered that I want to feel things again. And to that end..I would like to share this with you. Merry Christmas everyone. May the humble birth in that stable so very long ago, bring you joy and peace and life everlasting.