Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year, New Life

My niece gave birth to her third baby tonight. We passed part of the evening playing Uno in the waiting room. Here's Stephanie and Allison and Lance playing cards. Allison was plugging her ears because we were being too noisy apparently. She doesn't do well with noise and especially any arguing.

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Here's Lance and Ashely....

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And here's the most wonderful reason we put aside our grand new year's eve party plans. Our newest family member....

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As I was walking down the hall from the birthing room, I was crying. One of the nurses asked me if I was ok. I said yes. She followed me a little further and I kept crying.

"Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yes...I just wish I could turn my teenagers back that small again"
"Oh honey.....I totally understand. Boy do I."

Sigh.

The Last Monday of 2007

Exciting, no?
No?
Well, ok.

Today's agenda. Find out why my phone is interfering with my wifi connection. This does not make me happy. I'm #34 in line to chat with an online-customer-care professional. My fervent hope is that they speak enough English for me to understand them.

I brought my husband breakfast in bed this morning. He's so sweet....and deserves it far more often.

So many things to think about for the coming year-- but nothing I care to write about here for now.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Saturday

I woke up this morning and my eyes were aching--a sure sign that things aren't going to go well visually for me today.

I did manage to proof ten articles I'd somehow managed to write this week--and found that I must have been on crack when I wrote them. There were an amazing number of incomplete sentences, sentences that made no sense whatsoever and bad grammar abounded. I knew I wasn't thinking clearly last week, but goodness.

At any rate.... one ebook off to a client, five articles off to another and the ten uploaded to my site for my subscribers and I think I need to rest my eyes for a bit before they explode.

and people don't think I work..... Ha.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Remote Controls and Imminent Death

Remote Controls and PMS
Pamela's column for December 26, 2007

You’d think that after being married for twenty years, my husband would have learned how to catch any subtle hint I may toss his way. Sometimes I’ll shiver and he’ll know I’m cold. Or I’ll suddenly turn bright orange and have flames shooting out the top of my head and he might understand that I’m having a hot flash and know that it’s time to duck, cover and roll.

As I said, a husband should just understand the hints that his wife sets before him. Like the one I casually made yesterday. It went something like this:
“Get me a remote control that works for the tv or I will kill you”

Not subtle enough?

Last night in bed we were watching some show and the commercial came on. You know how commercials suddenly raise the volume on the television from just right straight to I will make your ears bleed? Well I was working on my laptop and the noise was deafening and distracting so I asked him to mute it for me.

He stuck his fingers in my ears.

I’m not kidding.

I’m fairly certain that no jury in the world would have convicted me of murder had I suddenly bitten off both of his fingers and choked him with them.

Then he spent five minutes pushing every button on the remote. He probably did that because the look I gave him raised his personal threat level from SAFE to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I swear to you that he is beside me in bed right now and he is STILL pushing buttons on that dead remote.

Even people who live in trailers have remote controls that work.

I said that to him, which caused him to break into a humorous (or so he thought) story about a guy he works with who had the same TV as a neighbor did and they would giggle and guffaw as they changed each other’s television channels through the walls of their mobile homes. Still not amused, I told him that see? Even his friends from work WHO LIVE IN TRAILERS have remote controls.

I don’t want a remote control for my garage doors, I can live without that. I don’t want a remote for my stereo (mostly because I don’t have one) or one that regulates the temperature of my house, turns on my lights or one that even claps on or off.
I want a remote control for my television so I can CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHEN I want to. How 1970’s of that is me? People in the 1970's had remote controls for their televisions and vcrs. They may have been tethered to the machines, but still.

Now…..imagine that you have no remote control. You don’t feel good. In fact you feel pretty darn crappy because you have PMS, among other things.

PMS + no remote control = imminent death.

This should be the kind of thing a husband with twenty years of marriage under his belt should immediately sense. This should cause said husband to leave the house and go directly to the store. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars just BUY YOUR WIFE A REMOTE CONTROL BEFORE SHE KILLS YOU.

(editor’s note: the columnist wishes her audience to know that yes, she is quite aware that there are worse things in life than having to get up and manually change the channel on the television set. She also wishes you to know that she adores her husband and would never bite off his fingers and choke him to death with them. Unless of course she was provoked and then that whole ‘justifiable homicide’ comes into play, especially if there are any married women on the jury.)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Courage....

I learned it from my daughter. This is Miss Ashley Rose, taken this month at my Aunt Helen's funeral.

Ashley at Autie Helens funeral


If you look closely (and you'd have to look closely because it's not easy to see unless you're looking for it) you'll see that her right hand is paralyzed. My little angel had a stroke in the womb. The right side of her body doesn't work like everyone else's does. She has defined courage for me since her birth 9 short years ago.

Not expected to walk, much less talk, my baby angel is a walking talking miracle with more courage in her little pinky than most have in their entire, healthy bodies.

As most of you know, I've been having some health issues lately. Today I was finally told what's wrong with me. I have Multiple Sclerosis.

I will not let it beat me. I have a courageous little angel who has shown me the way and I will not let her down. I can't.

I can beat this. I will beat this.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Things could be worse, yes I know. Thank you.

Since we only have one vehicle now (thanks Chris) I drive Lance to work around three every day. Today I drove him the massive 4 minutes to work, then turned around and was pulling out back on to busy 176th and saw a black cloud, a fireball explode into the sky....oh, just about where my house was.

Hand over my mouth all I could say was "Oh please Lord...not my house...my children...Oh, oh..oh...."

It wasn't my home, thank goodness, but it was close. I'm still not sure what happened, but in the space of just minutes there was no fire and then the entire house was engulfed and burning to the ground.

Naturally I took a cellphone video. Perhaps this was the universe's way of showing me, 'see? it CAN be worse!'

Eye'll be home for Christmas....

Yesterday hubby took me to eye doc.

Eye Doc: "Have you been in a car accident recently?"
Me: "No"
Eye Doc: Have you had a head injury recently?"
Me: "No"
Eye Doc: "hmmm...."

I hate it when they say hmmmm.

Eye Doc: "when is your MRI?"
Me: "Tomorrow"
Eye Doc: "Good"


You know the feeling you get after you take cold medicine? Your head feels all big and floaty? Yeah. Only I haven't taken any cold medicine. And my eyes keep going wonky on me. This doesn't make my writing work flow like it usually does.

The good news is that my retinas are still attached. Yeah for attached retinas! The bad news is....we don't know.

Hmmmm......

Friday, December 14, 2007

On the 14th Day of Christmas you don't want to know ...

But you're going to find out anyway so I might as well share with you my very own personal version of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

I'm sure you're thrilled. Go ahead, sing along. After all, it's going to be so festive. No, really. I promise. Break out the eggnog.

On the first day of Christmas
My cell phone company gave to me
notice that my son had texted fourteen hundred times in one week

On the second day of Christmas
My son gave to me
notice that he was failing math

On the third day of Christmas
my coed called to say
You have to come and get me
and I'm not flying home alone either!

On the fourth day of Christmas
my husband said to me
The cats have horked in two places
and if you don't put them outside I will be killing them soon

On the fifth day of Christmas
I had a stroke!

Fourteen hundred text messages!
Son failing math!
Girl NOT flying home!
Cat hork on carpeting
and a stroke in my parietal lobe!

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love gave me to me
CAT scan and bloodwork!

On the seventh day of Christmas
Verizon said to me
We turn your phones off unless you pay big bucks

On the eight day of Christmas
My sister said to me
I'm sorry but our Auntie Helen died

On the ninth day of Christmas
disabled daughter says to me
my brace hurts and I'm not wearing it anymore!

On the tenth day of Christmas
my cerebral cortex said to me
You really don't need to see out of your right eye

On the eleventh day of Christmas
ER doctor says to me
Ma'am you going to get an MRI

On the twelfth day of Christmas
our son calls us to say
Airbags went off but I'm ok



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


You're going to hear about it anyway, so I just thought I'd do a blanket-telling right here. In fact. just so you know? Don't expect any Christmas cards from me this year.

C'mon, lets sing it all together now!

Fourteen hundred text messages!
Son failing math!
Girl NOT flying home!
Cat hork on carpeting
and a stroke in my parietal lobe!
CT scan and bloodwork!
Removal of phone service!
Death in the family!
Leg Brace not working!
Right eye goes kaplooey!
Get an MRI
The airbags went off but car is totaled now.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Another ER, another cute ER Doc

I've been working from a local kawfee shop the past few weeks. It helps to get me out of the house so the mattress monster can't suck me back into bed. On Monday I was working for about four hours and I was on a roll.....really getting a lot done.

Suddenly my left eye started giving me some weird signals. There was a lovely little circle of flashing colored lights. It started out small and then got bigger and bigger and bigger until it was REALLY festive! So festive in fact that I had trouble seeing anything BUT the blinkie little lights. Wheee!

So I did what any sane person would do. I unplugged my laptop, packed it up, got my keys and drove myself home.

Yes, I made it. Hubby was not too pleased that I'd done that of course. I was just scared and wanted to get to him.

My blinky lights had cleared up by the time the ER doc saw me. The CT scan was fine, as was the bloodwork. Now I'll be having an MRI and a heart echo to see if I'm throwing tiny clots.

The fun never ends! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Committed to the Holiday Season

Happy Holidays!
Pamela's column for Pacific Publishing December 5, 2007

As the old year fades and the New Year approaches our thoughts turn to the important things that we ponder every year around this time: can I eat one more frosted sugar cookie in the shape of a Christmas tree and not have the buttons on my shirt turn into projectiles that will take out everyone in the room?

Overindulging at this time of year is a big problem, one that causes bigger problems, big being the operative word here. I’ve decided that it’s time to take drastic measures and I’m going to take you with me because I’m too afraid to go alone.

I have discovered a way to keep fit and trim and during this perilously high caloric season of overindulgence and I owe it all to my youngest child.

In watching her behavior over the past year I’ve noticed that she tends to eat what she wants and never appears to put on any extra poundage or have her clothing turn into weapons of mass destruction. It took me awhile but I’ve finally discovered why.

Bad behavior. You can lose weight by being naughty—and no, not that way, although I’m sure if you look long enough you’ll find that someone somewhere has created a naughty workout to help you feel the burn. No, this is what I like to call Fitness Fits.
The premise for this approach to keeping the pounds at bay is simple. When you don’t get your way, and quite frankly just how often to you get your own way as adult,
pitch a fit.

There are a few classic moves that you might remember from your own childhood if you can reach that far back into your past. First a few things to consider before you fling yourself to the floor and begin your Fitness Fits

• You’re not as young as you were when you last used this workout. Throwing yourself down without first making sure there’s an air mattress to catch you may result in severe bodily injury requiring a call for the paramedics. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. They’re usually pretty good looking guys.
• Make sure that the person you’re performing for is watching. It’s all good and well to use Fitness Fits as a cardio workout, but wouldn’t it be even better if it helped you get what you want? It’s a win-win!

Now that we have the preliminaries out of the way, let’s get down to specifics. Classic moves in this program may feel a bit silly to you at first, but remember that you’re going back to your roots. It might help to visualize yourself as a three or four year old that’s just been told NO by their mommy or their daddy. Of course now you’ve been told by your doctor that you can’t salt your food any longer because of some silly hypertension issues your body is raising. Fitness Fits will help you get back in touch with your inner child so you can annoy those around you.

Here are some of the tried and true methods of Fitness Fits:

• Place your body on the floor on your back. Kick your legs repeatedly. Usually 4 sets of 20 should get your heart pumping like a well oiled machine. Primal screaming is an excellent enhancement to this move.
• Body Rolls. It helps if you pretend you’re on fire to make this move work. Stop, drop and roll. Repeat the roll. Keep rolling. Unless you have an unobstructed pathway, you must roll back and forth as fast as you can.
• Body Twisting. This is a variation on the Body Roll in that you stop rolling occasionally to twist your body into positions you haven’t been able to reach since before you hit puberty. You’ll either increase your flexibility with this move or put yourself into traction.
• Body Slamming. I don’t recommend this move unless you’ve already been committed to the psych ward and are enjoying the benefits of a well padded room, which is a very real possibility if someone sees you doing this one. Slam your body repeatedly into walls, furniture, floor and if you’re really good, the ceiling. As always, guttural noises increase the effectiveness of this exercise.

I hope I’ve helped you here with some new ideas to make your holidays a bit cheerier, a little more exciting and increase the probability that you’ll end up in protective custody of some sort. After all, nothing says holiday cheer like involuntary commitment.
Happy Holidays

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Snow? Riiiiiiight

I have come to realize that when the weatherman is shooting off weather bulletins every other commercial as breaking news and telling us that snow is imminent, that we will in point of fact receive nary a flake.

Except for the flake on the television promising my children snow.

It's when they don't warn you that you're gonna get hammered. That's just how it works.

Ok, back to work on this.