Sunday, October 31, 2010

Things that frighten me

Fake blood and eerie things that go bump in the night...goblins and ghosts knocking on your door, asking for candy. Halloween is the time of year that brings out gory movies, rubber masks and terrifying Lady Gaga costumes.

Those things don't frighten me. Ok, the Lady Gaga thing is unsettling, but she usually doesn't make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Usually.

I have other things that scare me. Here's the short list, in no particular order:

1. Not graduating from high school--or having to go back and do it again. I have a reoccurring dream in which I've somehow decided to go back to high school and graduate. These dreams do not end well, as I would not exactly blend with the current population of my former school. Then there's the whole I-never-went-to-a-class-and-today-is-the-final-day part of the dream. I do not wake up feeling rested and calm from this dream.

2. Having my youngest daughter suffer more damage from her condition than she's already suffered.

3. Creepy life sized zombie, monster or movie-killer mechanical moving 'dolls'. I was unaware that I had this fear until I was Halloween shopping with my husband and came across three of them that were moving and talking and LOOKING AT ME. I walked quickly in the other direction to gaze at the children's costumes. :::shudder:::

4. Political ads on television. Ok, that's not entirely true. They don't frighten me as much as disgust me and cause me to feel the need for brain bleach and disinfectant wipes. I would be scared if one of my children grew up to BE a politician. I believe there's only so much time you can spend in a sewer before you become part of the stinking ooze.

5. Spiders. Yes, I know they are useful creatures. I understand that I am a gazillion times their size and they mean me no harm. Intellectually understanding these concepts is quite different from being able to quell the squicky feelings they inspire in me.

6. Losing my husband. He is my rock, my life and most definitely the better half of this coupling. I would not be the person I am if it were not for him. People continually tell me that he is the nicest person they've EVER met. And they mean it. I am blessed to have him--and would be bereft without him.

7. Reaching the end of my life's journey without doing what I came here to do.

8. Heights. Really big ones. Very high up. I'm alright if I don't look down, but who goes up to someplace painfully high and doesn't look down? Isn't that the point? Or part of it anyway. My father suffers from this same phobia. Once when we were younger, he took us on a vacation to Banf, Canada. They have these gondolas, see?



Mom and us kids rode them aaaallllll the waaaaaay to the top. My father would not set one foot inside one of those hanging metal death traps. He said to us, "Someone has to stay down here to identify the bodies." Thanks Dad. I'm pretty sure that's when my problem started.


9. Losing my children. Not to death, as I know we all go on to the next step of our journey, but to the darkness. Do not be fooled--there IS darkness and it will do all it can to blot out the Light.

10. Becoming that person who forgets they told you a story and tell it to you again and again and again and again.

Hey, have I told you about what frightens me lately?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Writing

Some people think I write too much. Or over share when I do write. Some don't think I write enough and others, meh. They simply don't care.

I've developed a thick skin over my writing. I wrote newspaper columns for about seven years as a freelance columnist and even had a steady writing gig for two papers for five years. That was both fun and tedious. One effect it had on me was that I didn't look at everyday life in the same way. I was more observant. When something would happen in front of me, my first thought was how to put that to ink.

Now, not so much.

Except last night when my husband said he'd had the 'best breakfast cupcake that morning' and it took me a while to figure out he was in fact referencing a muffin. I immediately wanted to write about it. It was amusing, spontaneous and downright funny.

I'm not sure I have a lot of those experiences lately. When my children were younger, sure. Nearly every day there was a catastrophe that could be turned into column fodder or a silly event that begged to be written about. Nowadays it's not the same. I work outside of the home mostly now. The things I see and work with, I cannot write about because these are highly confidential issues and in reality, there's not much humor in any of the situations. Sadness, horror and despair are the order of the day for many of the people I help and there's no way to turn any of that into lighter reading fare. I wouldn't even try.

I do feel a sense of accomplishment in my work. I feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives and that in turn bolsters my self-esteem and confidence. In forgetting myself in helping others, I find myself. Hmmm...that sounds familiar. I know the scriptures talk about that when we serve our fellow man we are only serving our God. (Mosiah 2:14)

I try to see everyone as a son or daughter of God. As my brothers and sisters. It's not always easy so I ask for help when I pray that I can see each person I meet as God sees them. It's been an amazing change for me and my view of those around me.

Everyone has issues, problems, joys, sorrows, burdens. Sometimes life is extremely difficult and stressful. We're aging and as we do our health suffers, we lose dear friends and I think we examine our lives more intensely to see what we've accomplished, where we've made mistakes, how we've corrected them or if we haven't made things right we feel a stronger desire to do so. To free the conscience and cleanse the soul.

I've made my share of mistakes. Plenty. I think back sometimes and wonder who the blazes that woman was...what was she thinking. I don't know. What I do know is that staying on the right path, seeking the light, the truth, keeping close to the spirit and reading the scriptures truly does bring peace. Gratitude for a kind, loving husband who has a forgiving heart and a very generous soul, who loves me no matter what is perhaps one of the greatest gifts I've been given.

I see I've been rambling again. One thing though, if I've ever done something to hurt your feelings, or cause you to be offended, or led you down a wrong path. I'm sorry. My apologies. I wish that I could speak to you in person, but this will have to do for now.

Ah yes, the ramblings of a person with a bit too much free time on a Saturday morning after cleaning the house like a madwoman on RedBull. (No, I did not drink a red bull)

Time for me to go. Apparently there is a cupcake festival in Mill Creek we have to visit.

More over sharing to come at a later date :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thursday

Where does the week go?

Here's some good news. The bandages are off my right hand. It's been...what....7 weeks since I was in the ER with my hand in agony? All I've got to show for my extremely close encounter with the hot oil is a few scars, some new skin and a mountain of paperwork from L&I.

Have I mentioned how much I hate paperwork? Well, I'm mentioning it now.

I'm grateful it wasn't worse and it's awfully nice to have the use of my right hand again.

What other good news is there...

thinking....thinking....thinking....thinking....

There's lots of good news. We're breathing. We have a roof over our heads, good health, the gospel perspective on life and death, and everything else under these cloudy foggy skies of Seattle.

Well, the health thing isn't 100%. Alli is home from school today. She texted me from seminary, and I quote, "Mom, my head feels like it's going to explode. I want to go home". Since I am opposed to exploding heads at church or at school, I had Stephanie pick her up and take her home. I was unable to get her as I was interpreting a meeting at one of our high schools.

I won't even go into what that meeting was about, mostly because it's confidential. Secondly, because it wouldn't interest you. It did give me a slight case of the guierllmos tho.

I have half an hour before I'm supposed to be teaching a room full of wiggly first and second graders how to say 'hola' and other assorted Spanish words. I do so enjoy their energy and smiles. It's the bright spot in my Thursdays. Then I have the cooking class where I have to corral older students and walk them safely through creating culinary delights. Today we're making tapioca pudding with pineapple.

I know, what a tricky thing to make, eh? Yeah, well they wanted to make pudding and I happen to like tapioca and haven't had it for quite some time. Being the teacher does have it's perks.

I have a funeral on the 6th for a dear sweet lady and a memorial service on the 13th for a high school friend. And here I thought my age group was invincible.... I guess not.

Ok, time to run for the rest of the day. It was nice to have a moment to sit and blog. I don't get a lot of time for that lately, as you can probably tell. I have some great pictures I want to put up next time.

Onward and upward!

Friday, October 15, 2010

This I know...

Time marches on...

This week has been quite busy for me. Getting up around 5:30 each morning to take Allison to seminary, turning around and coming home to get Ashley up and running and then taking her to school. I either go to the gym before I go to work or I head straight to work. Lately I've been going straight to work. So much to do there...and not nearly enough time to do it in.

This week has been parent teacher conferences and I've been racing from school to school to Interpret for teachers and parents. I've had meetings and conferences and summits and more meetings. I'm meetinged out. Yes, that's a word. Hush.

I've had long chats with the mother of my friend that died...and I had lunch with her brother. My heart aches for them... Perhaps the ache is the realization of my own mortality coming home to roost within me. Or because it's the first of our little tight knit high school group that has died.

I'm not sure. I do know that we go on. This life isn't all there is. I know this as I know the sun will rise in the east each morning. I know I'll see Karen again, as I'll see all my loved ones that have finished their mortal probation and have moved on.

Right now I'm tired...exhausted. Sleep sounds good to me. G'nite children.