Friday, April 20, 2007

The Talk

Sixteen years ago today, I was sliced open in order to have The Boy removed from my womb, as he refused to leave on his own.

Happy Birthday Chris!!

Since today is such an auspicious day, I thought it a good idea to take advantage of our alone time during the drive to school this morning.

Me: "Chris, happy birthday sweetheart"

Chris: "Thanks Madre"

Me: "Chris, now that you're sixteen, I think it's time for The Talk"

Chris: "Uh, I don't think so mom"

Me: "Yes son, It's time. Now, you're going to start noticing some changes in..."

Chris: "MOM!"

Me: "..your body. Don't be worried, it's all just a natural part of.."

Chris; "MOM!"

Me: "...getting older. Now you will begin to notice that girls are different from you...."

Chris: (laughing) "You're not funny, Mom!"

Me: "there's nothing funny about this Chris. Is there any questions you would like to ask me"

Chris: "Uh, no, mom. I'm good"

Oooooh the joys of having a son with a sense of humor. :grin:

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sex, Drugs and rock and roll....

Ok, it's more about the drugs than the sex or the rock and roll. Drugs, lots and lots of drugs.

I'm on them now, even as I type. You see, on Friday I had a bit of oral surgery. I'd like to tell you all about it in gory detail, but I was unconscious at the time. They gave me a valium the size of Montana, then stuck a needle in my arm and that was it. Boom. Buh-Bye land. I woke up to someone bothering me.

Nurse: "Open your eyes, Pamela!"

Me: "mmmmm....uh....huh...." (eyes firmly shut)

Nurse: "C'mon Pam, it's time to wake up!"

Me: "mmm...ok...."(eyes still closed)

Nurse: "Pam, you really need to open your eyes now hon!"

Me: "I....can't....."

Apparently during the operation, someone had put two large blocks of concrete on my eyelids and superglued them in place. Since I wasn't WonderWoman, I was unable to muster the strength to lift my eyelids. It was an impossible task.

She finally got me up and made me walk, but I was doing so with my eyes closed. She walked me to where Lance was waiting to take me home. I don't recall the drive either.

I'm at home, resting and recovering. I had something ugly happen to a tooth that had previously had a root canal. Bad buggy infection climbed in, took up residence and then proceeded to grow clear up into my upper gum, jaw, cheek... Oh yeah. Fun city.

I'll be good to go in a day or two. I just need to get off the drugs. I'm Queen Woozy.

Ah yes, better living through pharmecueticals

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Easter Robbery

I prepared for our Easter celebration by spending most of the day Saturday in kitchen cooking and baking. I made a potato salad, a broccoli salad, jello, a glaze for the ham, then decided I needed to bake orange rolls. Lance's aunt Maribel, who passed from cancer several years ago, was the Orange Roll maker extraordinaire in our family. I'd never even tried to make them before, but I suddenly wanted her orange rolls.

So I made a double batch. And they turned out quite well.

On Sunday we got up early to enjoy what the Easter bunny had left us. Each year he brings new dresses for the girls. He's learned not to bring clothes for The Teenagers.

The girls loved their dresses.

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We all dressed and went to Seatttle to go to church with my sister and her family and my father.

While we were inside at the service, someone broke into our suburban and robbed us. They took The Teenager's Ipod that we gave her for her 18th birthday in January, about 20 cds and my little girl's handicapped placard.

We called the police and filed a report, but we won't ever get the things back, and insurance won't cover our loss.

Happy Easter to us....

Friday, April 06, 2007

What's Been Going On Behind My House...

And as of today, it looks like this....

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And this....

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The Girl's First Day

After our wonderful day at the park yesterday, we went to pick up Stephanie after her first day on the job at See's Candies. Naturally, we went into the shop to bother her and pretend to be customers. I was complaining about how slow she was when one of her co-workers came to her rescue, giving me a look. I started laughing and explained I was her mother. Then of course I had to snap some pictures of her in her snazzy uniform.

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I can see we're going to have problems with her working there. HUGE problems. Me + chocolate = OH MY GOODNESS!! I found a brand new favorite and it's called Key Lime Truffles. It's like heaven in your mouth. Sooooooo yummy. So did we buy some candy? You bet we did. I see a pattern developing here. After Stephanie rang me up, I spoke to her manager.

Me: I'd like to complain about the service here. (she didn't yet know I was her mom)

Manager: what's the problem?

Me: (holding up the bag I'd just purchased) She made me pay for this stuff!

Manager: (confused look on her face) Uh....

Meanwhile Steph is laughing and so am I. I explained my genetic link to her newest employee and she laughed as well. She's the one on the right.

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Now I just need to know if Steph gets an employee discount....

Today at Point Defiance State Park

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Germ Warfare Gone Wrong

Normally it's a good thing to be wary of germs, and I applaud all instances of microbial warfare in all it's forms. Except when it happens to go wrong....oh so very wrong as it did the other day in the bathroom at our local YMCA.

I swim every morning. I mean I try to swim every morning. Ok, it's more of a water aerobics class than actual swimming, but it's still in the water and I'm flailing around, so lets call it swimming. After the swimming I'm pretty wet and tend to smell of chlorine, so I shower. Being the modest person that I am, I can't and won't walk around nekkid in the dressing room like some of the other gym patrons do. I've simply not got the .....whatever it is that passes for female cojones to do so. Not like my aerobics teacher who held a conversation with me while I was fully clothed and she was not. Who was, in point of fact, as naked as the day she was born. I was trying very hard to keep looking her in the eye and wishing I could be as unembarrassed as she was. Plus she was standing barefoot on the wet floor without benefit of flip flops, which gave me an attack of the icks. Who knows what germs live on that floor?

I told you that, to tell you this. There are two bathrooms in the main locker room that have doors. These doors close, thus ensuring privacy for using the facilities, or for dressing. I use them for both.

On this particular day I flailed, showered, then closed myself behind the safety of the bathroom door. Needing to use the facilities, I first did what any self-respecting woman with germaphobic tendencies does, I placed the thin white crinkly toilet paper seat cover on the toilet seat so my bare bottom would not touch anything previously touched by the nether regions of other human beings. You don't know where those other butts have been.

So, I sat. An act I regretted almost immediately. My skin was wet, and the substance the toilet seat covers are made out of are engineered to love wet, embrace wet, make wet it's own, become one with the wet. Usually they are put into the water of the toilet bowl after use and then it dissolves. Would you like to know what happens when it comes into contact with a slightly moist rear end? Super glue. Gooey, sticky, gelatinous gobs of tissue paper was stuck all over my gluteus maximus and down the backs of my legs. I reached around and tried to peel it off my tender bottom. No such luck. No peeling was possible because the stuff was glued to me! My fingers came back with specs of wet tissue attached to them. Again I reached around and tried to find an edge I could grab. Nope, no edges.

So I used my finger nails. It was like scratching skin with lotion on it, I left trails and scooped up the gooey gunk with my nails. I'd have to scratch every square inch of my derrière in order to remove this mess. Scratch, clean finger nails, scratch and clean again.

It took me a while but I finally managed to remove the majority of the offending goo and dress myself. It took me considerably longer to rid myself of the stuff under my fingernails. Scrubbing furiously, like an OCD sufferer on crack, the bacteria-laden goo ultimately released it's hold on me.

For a card-carrying germaphobe, such as myself, having the wet, gooey, germ-infested 'butt-gasket' attached to my tender epidermis caused me untold psychological damage. I'm hopeful that with copious amounts of chocolate therapy I'll stop screaming every time I enter a public restroom.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Male Voices...

Today Hubby and I took the two girls on a visit to various car lots, without success in locating something we were searching for. While out, our son Christopher texted us from the nearby mall, asking us if we would pick him up and take him to get a haircut.

It's a wonder my airbag didn't explode from that shock.

So we picked him up, plus his two friends he forgot to mention, and drove south towards home. First we had to stop at the dollar store so the girls and Lance could go pick out some treasures. I waited in the suburban with the boys. Three boys. Two sophmores, one junior. Their conversation made me wonder if they even remembered I was sitting in the front seat. Oy Vay.

Boy#1: " Blank girl is cute"

Boy#2: "She's got small boobs

Boy #1 "Yeah, but she's got boobs!

Me: "Hey, I'm here you know! I can't believe you boys are talking like that!"

Boy#1: You should hear how we talk when you're not around"

I shudder to think about that one.

Later on the drive home, as we passed the WalMart, the conversation went like this:

Boy#1: Hey, remember when we were up on the roof playing tag?

Boy#3: Yeah, that was cool. And then the milk thing.

Me: What milk thing?

Boy#1: Oh, we bought a gallon of milk and so-and-so stood up on the roof and poured the milk down to us.

Me: Huh?
Boy#1: Yeah, well we took off our shirts first. We're not complete idiots. We didn't want to get them wet.

Oooooh-kay then.

And tonight I allowed my son, the one who is lucky to be alive, to go camping at a lake with these boys and several others. Pray you don't hear about them on the news.