It's like this...

I didn't get up this morning planning to eat four Starbucks cake pops. Truth be told, they are kind of disgusting. Which added to my disgusting feeling of disgust with myself. I was going to eat clean today. Maybe even vegetarian. Drink lots of water. Walk a lot. Be a good human. Not a disgusting one. Nope. Didn't happen. Might happen tomorrow. Not having a job or a schedule isn't good for my health. I do better when I have deadlines, schedules and plans. Left to my own devices I am a walking disaster. You may have noticed (and by 'you' I mean me because I don't think anyone reads this blod any longer) that I've begun to be brutally honest in my blogging. Not that I wasn't honest in my past ten to fifteen years of blogging, I was. But this time it's different. I'm not hiding the blemishes, the stains on the carpeting from spilled milk that was left too long, cheerios down seat cushions or my many weaknesses. So, so very man...

I brought a load of whites up from the basement just now. This might not seem like much to you but trust me, it's significant. I don't do laundry. Not for years. Oh, I'll fold laundry when it's laid before me, sure. And I've put the odd load on when it's vitally necessary, but generally this is my husband's forte. I cook, bake, clean the kitchen, do the bills and most of the grocery shopping. Dear sainted husband separates the whites from the colors, adds the detergent and makes sure the lint trap is cleaned. He keeps us clothed. Just me and him, because the three kids still at home do their own laundry. At least we taught them that much. I'm depressed. No surprise there, at least not for me. I've battled this monster for years. Have I kept it well hidden from the rest of my world? Perhaps. Or perhaps not as well as I believe I have. I suppose I'm what you could call a functioning depressive? I know there are functioning alcoholics, functioning...

Hello Summer 2016. To be fair, we're already halfway through so I'm a bit late with my greeting. I'm not going to say that 2016 has been a horrible year, but if it were a meal I ordered I'd get a whopping case of e-coli from it. I know, I know....count your blessings Pam. Count your blessings. I do have many--one of which is my delightful grandson Enzo. I've been lucky enough to be able to watch him this summer after he was kicked out of his daycare/preschool due to behavior issues. Enzo was diagnosed with autism this year and so things have been a little difficult. He's in therapy a few times a week and has already made amazing progress. So very grateful for that. So very. I lost my job at the end of the school year. Yeah, that was unpleasant. I wasn't fired, and my evaluations have been stellar for the past seven years. I loved my job and was devastated to have lost it. It was three hours a day in the school district as the Homeless Edu...

This isn't a post about resolutions---I don't do those anymore because they rarely work for me. Ok, 'rarely' is a bit optimistic. It's more like never. I read somewhere that you should put systems into place, rather than make resolutions. Putting a system into place to achieve your goals sounds like a better path to success. This is a random post about random thoughts I've had lately. Feel free to skip it. Heaven knows I haven't kept up reading the blogs of my friends, my enemies or anyone in between. (I don't believe I have any enemies, but then again I could simply be missing those social cues that would allow me to know someone is my enemy. Shrug I inadvertently consumed copious amounts of caffeine today and thought I was going to die. This feeling of imminent death is not new to me, I've suffered from panic attacks since forever, although they have been mercifully infrequent these past few years. For the record, I didn't know ...

Hello Blog. Long time no see. No visit. No write. It's not you, it's me. It's always me. Always and forever me. So much of my life is... I was wrong. I don't have anything to say at the moment.

I'm waiting for some crinkly fries to come out of the oven so I can dip them into tartar sauce and fill the void within. Only it never does, does it? Fill that void. Food is my drug of choice, but then anyone that looks at me can see that. What they don't realize most of the time is that it's not the whole story. However no one actually wants to know the whole story, do they? We're all bound to ourselves, our lives, our problems, issues, pains. The world revolves around us. Us. Me. You. Not them. Not sure where I'm going with this.... The other night I couldn't sleep and I felt this enormous urge to write. Write and write and write and then write some more. To wring every last word from myself, pour it onto a page and set it afloat. At the time I wasn't quite certain just what it was that aching to be set free from my head. I still don't. Write about my children? My work with the homeless? My depression and anxiety? My fading vision a...

It's funny how things go sometimes. Well, actually most of the time. You make plans. You think things ought to go a certain way, in a particular direction and then....they don't. What's that saying? Man proposes, God disposes. Life is what happens when ...something something. Life does take strange turns and twists. I was having that conversation today with a friend as we waited for her radiation appointment. We spoke of life, of parental expectations, of cruelty, change, life altering events, disappointments..... life. Life. Just...life. We spoke of parents that didn't accept or embrace the choices their children have made. How it causes pain, emotional, physical and all around creates plain ole stinky feelings. That it takes time to get over those things. To be all right with the person YOU are, the choices you've made, and the life you live. She spoke of things she'd like to do, but was so very tired from chemo and radiation. I tried mostl...