It's like this...

None of those three things have anything to do with what I'm going to write about---well, except perhaps the cheesecake. Oh cheesecake. Why? Why do you have to be so yummy...so creamy...so guilt inducing. I have enough guilt and heartache in my life. I look for the joy I'm supposed to have and it often eludes me. Mostly due to the fact that I am unable to detach my life from those lives that surround me and the choices they make. There is a crater in my chest at times. Literally. It feels like an enormous empty hole. No, it's not empty. It's full of pain and sorrow. I never knew pain had a heft and a weight and could fill something that wasn't supposed to be filled by pain, but by joy. Eyes brim over with tears and then I do what I do best. I hide. See this? These guys were in a television show called Prison Break. I never watched it while it was on tv. I had more pressing things to do, I'm sure. However, with the arrival of Netfix in...

But it's all good. It's mostly for me. I used it for years as a cheap form of therapy and it was a lovely release of pent up emotions during the time when I had all four children in the throes of puberty, mendacity, diaper-changery, tantrumy, bellicosity, crashing our vehiculary, and many other assorted 'ertys'. Now that I'm older, though I often doubt the 'wiser' part has distilled upon my gray matter as promised, I find I often have horrid incidences from my past pop up in my mind as if to torture me anew. As if the first time my stupidity wasn't enough to force me sobbing into the fetal position-noooooooo. It comes back again and again and again. It's often said that we are our own harshest critics, and I believe this to be true. I'd never treat someone else the way I treat myself. And isn't that awful? Trust me, Simon Cowel has NOTHING on me. Once upon a time while in college, a young man that I thought I fancied, invited ...

It's late...and I'm on some meds that make me loopy and uber relaxed. So...what could wrong by combining that with some blogging? Suuuuure. Nothing, right? Been a couple of weeks since I blogged. Mostly been collecting stress and super gluing it to my neck and head and shoulders and eyes. This is why today, when the doctor put her hands on my neck and shoulders, she took a quick breath and said, "Oh honey. You are a mess." Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for noticing. I'm not going 'round the bed mentally or anything, although I think a mental vacation of a sorts might be just the thing. No, I've just accumulated so much tension in my life recently, that it's collected in my back, shoulders, neck and eyeballs. Did I mention that most of the time my eyes feel as though they are sitting inside of a cannon, about to be shot into the air at high velocity. They hurt so badly. Thankfully I am the happy recipient of a plethora of medicinal pallativ...