Monday, September 19, 2016

Pinpoint Pupils

Pin point pupils
In the kitchen last night
Undeniable
Denied
Breathing lies
Living lies
Where will he lie
Pinpoint his destination

He lies as easily as he breathes. I cannot believe even the simplest protestation from his mouth. He said he had four days clean. I believed. Short lived belief. I saw his eyes last night. He didn't want me to. He never does.

How much longer can we live in this hell?

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I am Abinadab

I may have spelled that incorrectly, as I don't have access to the notes I took yesterday while reading the scriptures. However, he was in prison with Nephi and Lehi--decendants of Lehi and Sariah. They had been tossed into prison and were about to be seized by the guards to be put to death. Abinidab was a dissenter from the church but when he saw Nephi and Lehi encircled about by fire, actually being in the center of the flames and saw that they were not burned but instead were conversing with messengers from heaven, he repented. He began to call others to repentence. He rediscovered his faith.

I have not seen missionairies encircled by fire. I have not been in prison, except of my own making. I have not lost my faith but I seemed to have put it on pause for a bit. I have allowed the world to shake me and circumstances beyond my control have caused me to pull back. I was tired. Exhausted. Unable to find my footing. And while I am still very tender and brokenhearted, I have at least begun to seek the balm of the spirit through scripture and prayer to bring my spirit back to health.

I heve denied it nourishment for far too long and am seeking ways to feed it once again.

I know He knows me. I know He hears my prayers. I do not know the reasons behind these blocks in my path, but I know that I can overcome them with His help.

I alone hold the key to my prison.

Monday, August 29, 2016

I found my happy

and it's at the beach cabin. Hubby and I spent four glorious days there and came back last night. I felt such peace there. I want to be able to feel that same peace on this side of the water.



These are photos from past trips. It's still as beautiful. I am incredibly blessed to have this man by my side and this beautiful beach cabin for renewal and recharging. I have found my happy once more indeed.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

I has lost my happy

... And I know not how to get it back.