It's like this...

None of those three things have anything to do with what I'm going to write about---well, except perhaps the cheesecake. Oh cheesecake. Why? Why do you have to be so yummy...so creamy...so guilt inducing. I have enough guilt and heartache in my life. I look for the joy I'm supposed to have and it often eludes me. Mostly due to the fact that I am unable to detach my life from those lives that surround me and the choices they make. There is a crater in my chest at times. Literally. It feels like an enormous empty hole. No, it's not empty. It's full of pain and sorrow. I never knew pain had a heft and a weight and could fill something that wasn't supposed to be filled by pain, but by joy. Eyes brim over with tears and then I do what I do best. I hide. See this? These guys were in a television show called Prison Break. I never watched it while it was on tv. I had more pressing things to do, I'm sure. However, with the arrival of Netfix in...

But it's all good. It's mostly for me. I used it for years as a cheap form of therapy and it was a lovely release of pent up emotions during the time when I had all four children in the throes of puberty, mendacity, diaper-changery, tantrumy, bellicosity, crashing our vehiculary, and many other assorted 'ertys'. Now that I'm older, though I often doubt the 'wiser' part has distilled upon my gray matter as promised, I find I often have horrid incidences from my past pop up in my mind as if to torture me anew. As if the first time my stupidity wasn't enough to force me sobbing into the fetal position-noooooooo. It comes back again and again and again. It's often said that we are our own harshest critics, and I believe this to be true. I'd never treat someone else the way I treat myself. And isn't that awful? Trust me, Simon Cowel has NOTHING on me. Once upon a time while in college, a young man that I thought I fancied, invited ...

It's late...and I'm on some meds that make me loopy and uber relaxed. So...what could wrong by combining that with some blogging? Suuuuure. Nothing, right? Been a couple of weeks since I blogged. Mostly been collecting stress and super gluing it to my neck and head and shoulders and eyes. This is why today, when the doctor put her hands on my neck and shoulders, she took a quick breath and said, "Oh honey. You are a mess." Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for noticing. I'm not going 'round the bed mentally or anything, although I think a mental vacation of a sorts might be just the thing. No, I've just accumulated so much tension in my life recently, that it's collected in my back, shoulders, neck and eyeballs. Did I mention that most of the time my eyes feel as though they are sitting inside of a cannon, about to be shot into the air at high velocity. They hurt so badly. Thankfully I am the happy recipient of a plethora of medicinal pallativ...

Losing a friend has brought death to the forefront of my mind lately. I know, right? The HUGE elephant that is in everyone's living room but is rarely acknowledged. I pondered this as I drove along the freeway this morning. As usual, it was chock full of cars and trucks and vans and all manner of motorized transportation. I looked at the vehicles and saw the people jockeying for position in a better lane than the one they were in, I saw people cut people off, not let someone in, let a car in or speed up to make certain there was no squeeze in space in front of them, lest they allow someone to get ahead. Everyone rushing, rushing, rushing. Pushing, pushing, pushing. Hurrying, in essence, to the very same place we're all heading; the loss of our mortal body and the freeing of our soul from it's earthly bonds. My husband and I were talking about this tonight. He works so hard for us, day in and day out. I thank him constantly for what he does and he said, "Yo...

Perhaps the Mayans were right. Is this the last year for us? :::shrugs::: Who knows... January has not been an auspicious beginning to the year. My good friend Claudia suffered a brain bleed and on New Year's Day, her life support was removed. With my sister Julie, and another friend, we dressed Claudia's body for the last time. I've dressed the deceased before, including my mother. Perhaps nothing brings me closer to the knowledge that the body is simply a vessel for the spirit and the 'real' person, than handling their remains and feeling the emptiness that pervades their mortal coil. Claudia was not there, it was simply what she left behind when she passed over. I was also asked to speak at her service. Crying before things began, I went to a quiet place and said a prayer for strength. I could not stop my tears and I did not wish to cry as I spoke of my friend. My prayer was answered and I was given a calm and a peacefulness to fill my heart. The...

Some have asked me to post pictures of our new home. Some don't care. I understand. How often have you been forced to watch someone's home movies---or in this era of oversharing---home videos of a birthday party or a party in which people do some purdy weird stuff or videos taken in a birthing suite at your local hospital. In my defense--I have not posted videos of me dancing on tables with lampshades on my head, nor do I plan on doing so as no such videos of me exist. Yes, I managed to erase them all before they fell into the wrong hands. No, I didn't keep copies. Yes, I am kidding. So here are some indoor pictures of our lovely new abode. We are loving it here. This is our upstairs living room. The wood floors are wonderful. Large windows with no curtains because no one is anywhere near us to be able to look in. Just lovely trees, squirrels and birds. Peaceful! And the stockings were hung on the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nick, soon would ...

There are so many things that I do not understand. Like, how does a radio work? Or a television? Why can't we breathe under water or fly like the birds? Why does peanut butter and chocolate taste so darn good together? Why do some people make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over and.....well, you get the picture. I. Do. Not. Understand. It makes no sense to me. I figuratively scratch my head. I shake my head. I bang my head against the wall, but all that does is give me a headache and does not solve the problem of the person DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT!! It's just a teensy weensy bit frustrating for me, as you may have guessed. I'm a fairly easy going, patient person. I am thankful that everyone has choices in life to make. Your choices determine where you're going. Choices are good. You can always choose what to do---you cannot always choose the consequences of your choosing. Sometimes...