I don't want to talk about Easter....or the Beach, although the beach cabin was soothing to my soul. I want to talk about honesty and about pain.
I saw a friend, an acquaintance really, at the grocery store this morning. I'd stopped there after I'd rushed to the high school to deliver some pain meds to my girl. I called her name and said hi, she smiled and said hi. "How are you?", she said. "Fine", said I.
I'm so far from fine I don't think I could find it in the dictionary if I tried. Why do we smile and say we're good when we are the furthest thing from it? Why do we lie? For lie it is---most often we aren't fine, we're not good or even fair. We're distressed and depressed and stressed and in heart wrenching agony, but we dress up our faces with false smiles and we present them to the world and we....lie.
Perhaps because we've been told to stand up straight and smile so often by our elders. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and "Fake it til you make it".
I'm not great at faking things.
This is mostly how I feel right now---I was better at the beach. I was calm. I was alone for a bit and was able to gather myself together in the silence and center myself a bit. Now I've been thrust back the chaos and the questions and the pain. So many things I do not understand. So many times I cry out why and pray to have this challenge, this whatever-it-is test, taken from me. I don't want it. PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.
So, yes. I'm fine. I'm great. How are YOU?
I saw a friend, an acquaintance really, at the grocery store this morning. I'd stopped there after I'd rushed to the high school to deliver some pain meds to my girl. I called her name and said hi, she smiled and said hi. "How are you?", she said. "Fine", said I.
I'm so far from fine I don't think I could find it in the dictionary if I tried. Why do we smile and say we're good when we are the furthest thing from it? Why do we lie? For lie it is---most often we aren't fine, we're not good or even fair. We're distressed and depressed and stressed and in heart wrenching agony, but we dress up our faces with false smiles and we present them to the world and we....lie.
Perhaps because we've been told to stand up straight and smile so often by our elders. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and "Fake it til you make it".
I'm not great at faking things.
This is mostly how I feel right now---I was better at the beach. I was calm. I was alone for a bit and was able to gather myself together in the silence and center myself a bit. Now I've been thrust back the chaos and the questions and the pain. So many things I do not understand. So many times I cry out why and pray to have this challenge, this whatever-it-is test, taken from me. I don't want it. PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.
So, yes. I'm fine. I'm great. How are YOU?
We say fine because ultimately we realize that after so long no one wants to hear it anymore. I am very familiar with "I'm fine". And the answer to the question "How's Hannah?" is usually "Hannah's ... Hannah". When you spend so much time living minute by minute it is hard to look at the whole picture.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're having a difficult time. I think simply having kids makes life like this. Especially when they start making choices that bring pain to everyone...they will always claim that what they do doesn't hurt anyone, but as parents, we see the bigger picture. sigh. I feel your pain - though I don't know the exact reason. Take care.
ReplyDeleteBobbi--I understand. And I know you have been through more than your share of trauma and pain.
ReplyDeleteG. So true. Thanks. I wish they could see the bigger picture.